Day Thirty-Two

May 4, 2006,

Dear Lunch Buddy,

Each night for several nights, now, I’ve been lighting a candle and saying a prayer for us to you and whomever else might be listening. Each night, it gets a little harder to continue. I’ve gotten better at pushing this down. I just don’t let my mind turn to you like I used to.

Mostly it’s just hard to be alone. Because when I’m alone, I wish I wasn’t. And when I’m thinking of what I’d like I realize that I had it but I lost it.

It’s really difficult to believe that you loved me the way you said you did but that you could just make up your mind that it’s over. So I’m torn between believing that you never really loved me, but just used me as your living fantasy for twenty months; or believing that you haven’t really made up your mind that it’s over, but instead hope that you and She will have one more meltdown, in which you could walk away from her while I’m technically not in the picture so that you don’t look like the bad guy and then we can be together like we should be.

I’m so confused. I’m trying so hard not to hurt that I don’t let myself think about how wonderful we were together. So in suppressing that, I feel I’m no better off than I was before you.

Is it really better to have loved and lost? Before you, I was content to keep looking, believing that the best I couldhope for is a decent man willing to work hard and compromise. There must be dozens of those if one is willing to look.

But having met you and having fallen in love with you, I now know what is there and what I no longer have, and it makes me tired.

I’m just so damned tired.