Day Thirty-Four

Dear Lunch Buddy,

I am teetering on the edge of rage and despair. Ironically, the edge of rage and despair looks a lot like a couch potato, completely absorbed in books, television, or games, so as not to focus directly on the rage or the despair and fall into one or the other completely.

Almost two weeks ago, we made love. It wasn’t a heat of the moment thing. We had lunch and we talked and it was reasonable and rational and loving and wonderful. And since then you have been all but completely absent from my life. You have been distant when we speak. You’ve stopped with the flirting and telling me you love me and giving me xoxo’s and I don’t understand why. It pisses me off that the rules change in your mind and I get no notice nor reason. It’s not fair that I get adjusted to my life a certain way and then you decide to change it without telling me. So I adjust to that and then you change again. And it’s nothing I’ve done. I don’t get it.

Have you really put me away? If so, why do you talk to me at all? Is it just because I’m there? I don’t understand. I don’t understand. I DON’T UNDERSTAND!!!!! We were perfection. We were a miracle. We were calm and peace and passion and depth and erotica and romance and spiritual and physical and intellectual and you just crumpled it up and threw it in the trash. Maybe to you it was just a fantasy when you were away from your real life with Wife and Kids and Mortgage. For me it WAS my life. You were my present and my future and now I feel like I live in an empty white chamber with nothing to look at and nothing to look forward to. You were everything and now I have nothing. I feel like I am nothing. How special can I possibly be if you can just stop? How can I possibly move on when you are the only thing I have ever wanted? You are so much more than I ever imagined possible.

How can you just stop loving me after an afternoon of making love to me? I just don’t understand.

I’m just so tired. I just want someone to hold me for a while.

So many people keep telling me that I’ll find my true love, someday. They don’t understand that I’ve already found you.

But you chose someone else.