Day Thirty-Five

Dear Lunch Buddy,

I think the hardest times for me are the ends of good days.

This morning I left relatively early for my sister’s house. I listened to The Long Winter, one of the books in the Little House series on my way. It was a pleasant drive. I like the peacefulness of driving through farm country, with orchards of peach trees and flocks of various birds doing what birds do. It’s quiet and natural and I feel the tension going out of my neck and shoulders and scalp the longer I drive.

I stopped at Jamba Juice and got myself a Peach Pleasure with protein and continued my trip to Sister’s. When I arrived, Niece H was waiting for me at the door. "Hi, Tannah!" was my greeting and it made me happy. Sister and I immediately got into the car and headed to the landfill. She and her husband had replaced the carpeting in their den with hardwood, and she and I were taking the old carpet and other materials there. It was another hour in the car to go there and back. We chit chatted about life in general and stopped by KFC on the way home.

Once back at her place, we ate lunch and then I played with the baby for a while. He’s such a sweet baby. He’s rolling over on his own. Such a cutie.

After lunch, Sister and I finished assembling the backyard play set she had bought for Niece H. It was quite a chore and took us most of the afternoon. While we worked, her husband played computer games and eventually laid down for a nap, once Nephew had fallen asleep again. I felt kind of sorry for my sister, because I knew that if you and I were together, you’d have been out there, helping me assemble that playset. You’d have done it without asking if I wanted help. And when Nephew woke from his nap, and my brother-in-law was not finished with his, he came out to the back yard and expected us to keep an eye on both kids while assembling that play set. My heart felt full with my respect for you and the man that you are. And then I felt empty again, remembering that you’re not mine, anymore.

After the playset was assembled, Sister and I watched TV together and laughed and talked and laughed and talked.

It was a very nice day.

And when I was on my way home, I just felt nothing. I was coming home to nothing, with nothing to look forward to tomorrow or the next day or the next day. I don’t even feel sad anymore. I just feel nothing. Not hopeful. Not angry. Nothing.

It’s almost as if you never really existed. It’s like you’re just this wonderful fantasy that I made up, but know will never come true: like the one in which I win the lottery and get to buy a house and help people and not have to work. It’s like the one in which I wake up to find that I’m just graduating from high school and can do college over again, and skip the marriage and other stupid things I’ve done between then and now.

Even feeling this lack of feeling, there is a part of me…. a whisp of a part, hidden behind common sense and self-awareness…. that still hopes. I hope. I truly hope.

We both know that you and she will not be together forever. Will that happen before I decide to move on? Will you even bother trying to be with me?

I miss you so very much.