Day Ten — Part II

April 13, 2006,

Dear Lunch Buddy,

(5:00 PM) Roommate told me she has seen you over at Treehouse a couple of times since That Day. She said you seem quiet and depressed and that Asshole had even asked her if something was up between you and me. She said he told her that you’re there almost every day, but that you’re just not yourself.

I’m not sure how to take that information. I want to take it as hopeful. I hope it means that you’re REALLY SERIOUSLY thinking about the quality of your life as it is and that you aren’t just trying to forget me and move on. At the same time, I’m disappointed that you’re spending so much time there; an obvious indication that something IS wrong with us. I was hoping we could keep this between us for a while.

I got another e-mail from you, today. Your references to our rendezvous and those squirrels makes me feel like this really is just a temporary separation and that soon we’ll be together forever. I can’t help it. I want to start making plans. I want you to meet my family and I want to plan our wedding. I know it’s foolish to think of those things in the midst of so much uncertainty. But I really want them.

(9:30 PM) Today has been a really great day. I’ve felt really good and just all around happy. That is, at least, until you logged in to EQ and immediately got into a group that had no room for me. The truth is that I wasn’t even in the mood to be in a group. I just wanted you to pay attention to me and choose me over them. It’s bad enough being rejected for your wife, but being rejected for some gamer geeks really hurts. I know I’m reading way way way too much into it, but I just miss you so much and I want you to miss me that much, too.

God, I just want this to be over one way or the other! This is going to drive me insane. I miss you so much. I just want to hear your voice and touch you and smell you and be held by you. I want you to choose me, God dammit. I’m so mad at you right now, I could bite through this keyboard. If you’re going to stay with her, then stop telling me how much you miss me and love me. If you’re not, then walk away and come lay next to me. What the fuck are you waiting for? What more indication do you need that your marriage is over? Your wife’s favorite pastime is throwing parties in which multiple men come over and pay money to fuck her and a couple of her friends. She kept her ex-husband’s last name! You guys keep separate bank accounts and pay separate bills and you’re in love with another woman and the only thing about you two that acts married is the fact that you wear that ugly ring and flinch at the crack of her whip.

(11:00 PM) Only moments after I wrote these things, I logged back in to EQ and apologized to you for the passive aggressive guilt trip I gave you before logging out. You were understanding, as usual, and met me half-way in the taking of blame (one of the many things that I love about you). Then you invited me into your group, so I threw a big tantrum for nothing.

I’m trying really hard to be good and patient. I just wish you would come be with me. I miss everything about you. Everything.

Aching,