Day Ten — Part I

April 13, 2006,

Dear Lunch Buddy,

It is 7:40 AM, and I have just lit our candle for the last time. I prayed for peace and strength and happiness for all involved, and I prayed that love would overcome everything.

It’s been about 36 hours since I’ve eaten anything, and my head hurts and my hands are trembling to the point that typing this is not as easy as it usually is. There were times during last evening when I thought to myself, “it won’t matter if I go ahead and eat. I’m just being superstitious.” But then I reminded myself that whether or not what I’m doing has any “supernatural” influence, spiritually, this is my symbol of devotion to you.

You have taught me many many things about myself over this past 20 months. One of the most significant lessons I’ve learned is the difference between loving the men I’ve loved in the past, and loving you. The men I’ve loved in the past have been needy. They needed mommies: someone to take care of them, guide them, and comfort them. Like most parent/child relationships, those things flowed in one direction. I gave and gave and got little in return. When the end of each of those came, my only heart ache was that of a mother sending her child into the world to fend for himself. I did not long for them. I did not ache for them. Walking away was not a difficult task.

You give back. You have been just as eager to give to me as I have ever been for you. The greatest gift has been your even-temper. I have never trusted a man the way that I trust you. I know that when I come to you, you will hear what I say, and not be ugly to me about it. You make me feel safe, which no man in my life has ever been able to do for me.

And just as those other relationships were so easy to walk away from, I need to cling to this one with all of my strength. It is not to prove anything to you, really, but to prove it to me. I thought that I couldn’t fall in love. Now I know that there had never been anyone to fall in love with. By making this sacrifice of hunger and following through with these 9 days of candle burning and prayer, I have proven to myself that my dedication to you is real.

On a different subject, I have struggled throughout these evenings with the question of whether my prayers are appropriate. Is it appropriate for me to ask that one marriage ends so that another can begin? I felt guilt in asking this and wondered what those who might hear my prayers were thinking of me.

This morning, however, my conscience is clear. She deserves happiness, just as much as you or I do. She will not find happiness with a man who stays with her out of obligation. Every woman wants to be desired, craved, worshipped. No woman wants to feel like she’s the shackle that her husband dutifully wears. You have never loved her as a husband should love a wife. You have cared for her as a friend. That is not enough for either of you. I wish you could realize that.