Day Sixteen

April 19, 2006,

Dear Lunch Buddy,

This has been a very strange day, emotionally. After talking to you about having lunch on Friday, I got so emotional. I laid in bed and sobbed for a couple of hours. I even began writing my letter to you for the evening, but it was so bitter and angry that I’m glad I didn’t post it.

I think I’m just starting to realize that you and I may never be together again… and if you really want to work things out with Her, then we probably won’t. And that makes me so incredibly angry. You’ve chosen her over me. And I really can’t think of any logical reasons why other than that you are afraid. And that makes me angry too.

I’m angry because I deserve you and she doesn’t. I’m angry because you work hard for her and I work hard for you and she doesn’t work hard for anything. I’m angry because I try so hard to be everything you need and she tries so hard to make you feel like you’re not enough, and she wins and I lose. I’m angry because being "right" is more important to you than being happy. I’m angry because I feel like you’ve just thrown me away like some disposable fantasy that was fun while it lasted, but just isn’t convenient anymore. I’m angry because I’m lonely and I ache in every part of my being and you aren’t here to hold me and stroke my hair and tell me it’s all ok.

Once again, I find myself asking, "how can you say you love me and then do this to me?" I seem to end up asking that of everyone I’ve ever loved. Why is your stupid promise so much more important than I am?

And tonight…. you got on TS with me. That means she was out. It’s Wednesday night, so I’m guessing she was at her usual Wednesday night social. Does that mean that you guys are still playing? Does that mean that you gave me up but she didn’t give up anything? HOW CAN THAT BE OK WITH YOU? How is that "making it work?" That’s taking it in the …..

This whole thing just makes me sick…. sick at heart…. sick in my mind… sick in my body. I can’t believe that you can just walk away from me for a life that will never be more than existing together.

Lunch Buddy, we are a miracle, like the oceans or a rainbow. Most people never find a love like ours: a real love with depth and meaning and growing room. Please, if you have really truly ever loved me, please please please don’t let us die. Please don’t let us die.

With all of my heart, I am begging you,