Day Seventeen

April 20, 2006

Dear Lunch Buddy,

I think I’m back to numb. I’m not as weepy as I was yesterday, but I have to deliberately avoid thinking about you or our situation. As long as I’m not thinking about it, I don’t feel anything at all. Occasionally my mind will just suddenly turn to you, and I’ll feel the overwhelming urge to sob… so I find something to distract me. While the prospect of having lunch with you tomorrow makes me happy, there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to see you. If I see you, I feel like I’ll know all the things I’m afraid to know.

I’m really getting confusing signals from you. But I guess I always have. Or maybe I’ve always gotten the same signal, "I love you, but not enough to leave my comfort zone." (Guess I’m still a little on the pissy side). I don’t understand why you still send me hugs and kisses and tell me you love me and say things like, "I can’t say no to those eyes," if you are planning a life without me. But I don’t understand how you could be planning a life with me if you’re still "trying to work it out" with Her. So I just don’t know what to think… but I don’t want you to ever stop with the hugs and kisses and love and sweetness.

If you are just confused, too, and still trying to decide what you want to do, I can take that. Indecision is better than the wrong decision. Indecision means there is still hope. Indecision means that what you really want is to be with me, but you can’t figure out how to leave without hurting anyone.

I can’t lie to you. It will hurt. It will hurt you and it will hurt her. But they are wounds that will heal, like cutting open a finger to dig out a splinter. You’ll both be better off.

I wish I could just make you know that you would never ever regret making the choice to leave her and be with me. I promise you that I would comfort you and protect you and take care of you forever. I would hold you while you hurt and I would stroke your face and whisper in your ear that I will make everything all right. You know that I can and will.

I know that it won’t be easy. I know that a part of you will feel like it’s your responsibility to make sure that the kids are cared for and that She is happy. But I can’t express to you enough that your happiness is just as important as hers and no one is looking out for yours. No one but me, anyway. Additionally, you can’t really believe that she’s ever been happy in your marriage. Open your eyes and stop making excuses. A woman who has to throw monthly gang bangs to feel good about herself is not happy in her relationship. I don’t care how you rationalize it. "It’s just sport sex." Whatever. If she was happy with you, that lifestyle would be appalling to her. THAT IS THE TRUTH! She’s not happy with you and she’s not happy with herself. Why? Because you’re not in love with her and you never have been. And you will never be able to fulfill her the way that a woman needs to be fulfilled as long as you’re just going through the motions. Consider the difference between how I make you feel and how she makes you feel. It’s the same for her. Why do you think she was considering polyamory? Because she wants someone to love her the way you don’t. Why do you think our relationship bothered her so much? Because she knows that you love me the way that she wants someone to love her.

I know you think I say these things just because I want you to be with me. I can’t deny that. But that doesn’t make them any less true and if you were being honest with yourself, you would see it too.

There is no reason that you and She couldn’t still be the friends that you are currently. Unless she just wants to be hateful, and if that’s the case, it’s her loss.

As for the kids, we can make sure their needs are met. You know I would help them with college or anything else that they need. I would do that happily. I would do anything for you.

I know that the hardest part is saying the words. But if you think about it…. all you have to do is say the words and then everything will be all right. She will survive. She will move on. And she will find someone to take your place. Maybe she’ll find someone who really loves her and wants her to be happy… someone who will make her feel good about herself.

And you’ll be truly happy and free. You once told me that if you left her, you’d feel instantly better. I think the thing that makes it hard now, is that you think people will think that you left her just because of me. You’re worried about looking like the villain — the creep that left his wife for another woman.

But let me tell you: those who love you will love you no matter what. They’ll trust your judgement and give you the benefit of the doubt. They’ll know your heart and that you’re a good man and that you gave this ten years but it just didn’t work out.

Those who don’t love you don’t matter. Do you really want to sacrifice the happiness that our relationship could give you just to prove something to your bitch of a mother-in-law?

I’m tired. I miss you so much I can’t think of anything else. I’m afraid that when I see you tomorrow, I’m going to fall apart. If you’re cold, I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle it. I just want to feel your nakedness against me. I just want to feel your arms around me and hear you breathing hard in my ear.

I love you so much I can’t imagine ever loving anyone else the same way. I don’t even want to think about trying.

Desperately,