Day Nine — Ritual & Sacrifice

Dear Lunch Buddy,

(11:00 AM) I’m doing things a little differently, today. I’m fasting, today and will not break it until after 9:40 tomorrow morning. That’s when I’ll burn the last bit of our candle at the height of the full moon. Because I’m dedicating this whole day to focusing on you and us, I’m going to be writing this throughout the day.

I must confess to you that when I say "dedicate the whole day" what I mean is that the fasting will remind me throughout the day to direct my energies to you. I’m still watching the shows that I watch to calm myself and stay somewhat sane. And I spent a few minutes on EQ getting my arse handed to me by FPers. They got me twice, but they needed help, and it was only after I’d already taken out one of them on my own. =)

I woke up at 4:30 this morning, and couldn’t go back to sleep. After about an hour, I opened the window a crack, took my shirt off and tried it one more time. I dreamed about you. It was much more vivid than the last one. It was so real, I almost believed it when I woke up. I dreamed I was on a train to the Bay Area. It was raining at the station, and I was walking up the side of a stadium, which seemed a perfectly logical thing to have at a train station. I could feel the cool rain on me, and hear the wind blowing. I could smell it and feel it and hear the wet leaves rustling heavy with water. You called me. When I answered, you could hear it too, and you said, "Oh, you’re not home, are you?" I said, "No, I’m out, why?" but in my heart I was thinking, "I can be home if you need me there. Just say so. "You told me that you wanted me to meet you at our secret rendezvous point by ARC and make the squirrels jealous." I was so happy. I was going to ask you if this meant that we could be together forever, now, but then my eyes opened, and for one, blissful moment, I was awake, and I felt like everything was better, now.

(3:50 PM) I just got back from my only appointment for this week. I was tutoring that unique kid who acts like he’s stoned. It was a good distraction from the fact that I’m so hungry I can’t think straight, but each time I think of the hunger, I think of you. It’s not so different, really. There’s an empty ache in my middle and I know exactly what would make it better.

There was an interesting gentleman sitting near me at the library. He was an older man. Probably in his early sixties. He had the crescent hair of a man who’d been balding since he was a teenager. His skin was leathery brown. He wore a blue polo shirt with a pocket protector, and a khaki colored wind breaker. He was wearing shorts, which didn’t strike me as that odd, really, but I couldn’t get over how smooth and nicely colored his legs were. I looked once or twice and finally realized that he was wearing panty-hose. I thought that perhaps he was wearing them for circulation purposes, but then I realized that his shorts didn’t split in the middle. He was actually wearing a skirt. Then I noticed that he was also wearing ear rings that dangled about 2 inches, and beaded moccasins. It was such an odd combination of things it took several glances to take it all in. And then I felt like a jerk for staring.

I think this fast is good for me. My head is actually clearing a bit, and while I’m beginning to accept that you and I may never again be what we were, I’m also realizing that as much as I love you, you love me equally. That’s not something you’re going to be able to put behind you that easily; especially given that you have not been happy in your present situation for a long time… long before I was ever in the picture. I just pray that you keep your promise and talk to your parents about everything. And soon.

LandLady called today to tell me that she’s never received the money order needed to replace the check that Roommate wrote and bounced. I asked Roommate about it and she claims to have paid it but can’t seem to find the stub or the receipt. I’d like to take her word for it, but she’s lied to me enough times that I don’t believe anything she says anymore.

I think I’m just high enough from protein deprivation that I’m beginning to believe weirdness. (Ok, I have been noticing things, but if I’m going to put them somewhere where they can be read, I have to pretend that I think it’s that I’m not thinking clearly). I have noticed the recurrence of certain numbers since last week. Multiples of three, the number six, specifically, the number seven, and the numbers thirteen and sixty-three have popped up on multiple occasions. What significance? No idea. But I figure it can’t hurt to buy a lotto ticket.

(6:50 PM) My mind is mush from lack of nourishment. It’s surprising what a day can do. I’m pleased to day, however, that I’m feeling immensely better because of you. You’ve had me on your mind, you told me. I don’t know if it’s my prayers that you would be filled up with your love for me and my love for you. Maybe it’s just the fact that you love me. In either case, it makes me very happy to know that you’re longing for me. Use that, Lunch Buddy. Use that to come to me.

(10:30 PM) I’m tired and my head aches from lack of food. I feel exponentially better since you and I exchanged xoxos on EQ and you told me that you’ve been thinking of me a lot. It’s funny, because I know that I’ll slump into a funk again, before this is over, but for now, I have hope.

Tonight is the last night that I will do my ritual. I’ve prayed for you to have strength, I’ve prayed for you to have peace; I’ve prayed for you to be filled up with the love I have for you and the love you have for me; I’ve prayed for your mother; and tonight, I prayed for Her. I realized that whether or not I like her, nor weather I believe she really loves/deserves you, she will be hurt by this, because rejection hurts. Period. So tonight, I focused my prayers for her into a smooth silvery black stone and placed it under the crucifix for peace. I want her to have peace and happiness. I just want her to have it with someone else. Is that selfish? Of course. But you and I were made for each other, and I can’t believe that we came together by accident.

Tomorrow at 9:40 AM Pacific, the moon will be full and I’ll have burnt the last of our candle. (Then I’m going to have a HUGE breakfast!) I wonder if you have any indication of the lengths I am going to for you. Ritual and sacrifice.

With every molecule of my being,