Day Fourteen

April 17, 2006

Dear Lunch Buddy,

It’s been two weeks since we last saw each other. I have made myself deliberately scarce over the past two days, and I must confess that I did so in the hope that it would draw some action from you. It seems to have worked, because you logged in to Yahoo Messenger and sent me a message. And you… Mr. Anti-chat actually had a chat with me for a while.

You told me that you’re sad, too. That you miss me and wish you could get on your knees and tell me how much you love me. You asked me how I’m doing and I told you that I don’t know. But the truth is that I do know. I’m sad, but hopeful, because I’m hanging on to a thread of hope that you love me too much to let me go. But I don’t want to tell you that, because I don’t want you to tell me that there is no hope. Because if there is no hope for us, I feel like there is no hope for me. I can’t imagine that there can be another man in the world that I could connect with the way that you and I have connected. It’s molecular. The thought of trying to find someone who even comes close to you just makes me sad and tired. You’re one of a kind — custom made for me.

Tonight, I actually sent you an e-mail telling you some of these things… only the part about needing to hope.

I’m so tired and so afraid to think about this too much. I miss you so much. I just wish you would be logical. What possible good can come of staying in an unhappy marriage?

Dead horse. Stop beating it.

Squeek Squeek

P.S. This is the text of the e-mail I sent you tonight:

My most beloved,

I wanted to write you a letter tonight so that you
could read it during help desk. To be perfectly
honest, however, I’m afraid I’ll say too much…. be
it e-mail, chat, eq, or by phone.

The truth is that I’m holding on to a thread of hope
that we will be together again, and soon. I’m afraid
if I say too much, you will tell me that there is no
hope. Or you will sever what little communication we
have left. I just can’t take that right now. I need
to hope and I need to hear that you still love me and
need me and want me, even if it’s only in EQ.

I’m also trying to respect your wishes for distance so
that you can do what you need to do.

So just know that I have written you a letter every
single night since the last day I saw you. In them I
tell you all the things I would tell you if you were
laying in my bed next to me: how much I love you;
what’s going on in my life; how I’m feeling.

Hardly a moment passes that I don’t think of you. I
pray for you every night and I carry Spidey with me
every day as a totem.

I love you
Oniongirl

P.S. I erased and re-wrote this several times, hoping
to say things just right. I hope it’s ok.