Day Forty-Seven

May 21, 2006

Dear Lunch Buddy,

My heart is so full of rage, lately; I don’t know how to deal with it.  I know it stems from Roommate and her bull shit, as well as her brilliant train of logic which is that since we didn’t get evicted, she didn’t really do anything wrong. 

I loathe this feeling of helplessness.  If she refuses to leave, my only option is to leave, myself.  I really don’t want to do that.  What I really want is for her to suffer.  Of course, since she’s planning on marrying Asshole, after all, that wish will be fulfilled relatively shortly.

In raging over her, I found myself raging over Midget and his petty, pissy behavior in my last days of living at Treehouse.  That led me to rage over Fuckface, and his pompous, shitty attitude toward everybody. 

And all of this leads me back to raging over you.  You’ve proven them all correct.  You’ll never leave your wife for me.  I was just a play thing.  I was just stupid for believing that I was ever anything more than a fantasy.  Everyone knew this but me. 

Only I knew it too, so I guess I’m the one I’m angriest with. 

I just want to be loved by one person who thinks I’m important enough to make a sacrifice for.  I just want someone to look forward to coming home to me; to having dinner with me; to sleeping next to me.

I heard a song tonight that I should have written.  I can’t find the lyrics right now, but when you hear the song, you’ll know it.  It basically says that there’s someone who finds joy in your very existance.  That someone is me.

I miss you so much.  I wish you would just keep the one promise that I asked you to make me.