Day Forty

May 11, 2006

Dear Lunch Buddy,

I think you have been my drug for a long time. My Jones was biting my nails and waiting for you to call and sending you text messages… always waiting. My fix was your attention. Now you have robbed me of my high, and I am still going through withdrawals. I crave you. I feel wrong without you. I still want you as much as ever.

Today has been a shitty day. It actually began last night when you told me that we would not be having the Wednesday night game night over Teamspeak that it seemed we were continuing to have. As much as I tried to tell myself that it doesn’t matter, it hurt me, and it set off the anxiety that settled in my chest and shoulders and remained there until late this afternoon.

I woke up with a heavy heart, yesterday morning. I hate the mornings that I wake up startled by the recollection that you are no longer mine. It sets an ugly tone for the day, and I could not get motivated. I didn’t get a job for the day, either, which doesn’t help the anxiety, so I didn’t move out of bed for a while after waking. I stayed in bed reading, which is a good thing and a bad thing.

Finally, I got up and went to pick up my pay check. That’s when my day got really fun.

I went to my PO box to get my check, only to find that it wasn’t there.  I went to the district office to ask them about it and they told me that they were having problems, and that many people hadn’t gotten their checks.  She then told me the amount of my check.  It was one day short.  So I asked her which days I had been paid for and she pulled the time cards.  There wasn’t one from when I worked at Rio Tierra.  So I drove out to Rio Tierra and asked them about it.  They told me that a timecard had been sent in, but that I needed to go to Categorical, because they had it.  So I went back to payroll and told them and they called categorical, but categorical said they never got it.  So they called Rio Tierra and asked them to send a new timecard for me.  So I went over to categorical to ask them if I should hand deliver the new timecard to speed up the process.  They said they’d call, first to save me the trouble.  Then they said that it’s possible the card went to Rich So-and-So’s office, and they called him.  His receptionist confirmed that they had it, but it had the wrong budget code, so they sent it to the Ed Services department.  So I went to Ed Services and finally got my time card.  I took it back to payroll.  After all that, they told me that I’d have to wait a week for my check.  So I didn’t get ANY money yesterday. 

After all of that, I came home and ate something and played a little EQ and chatted with you, which made me feel better, because I had awakened with that anxious feeling.  (Plus, I was just missing you).

So when I was on my way to my tutoring appointment, I walked out the door to find an envelope taped to it.  It was a new 3-day notice, because Roommate’s rent check bounced.  When I confronted her about it, she said that she didn’t know what happened, that there should have been enough money in her account, and that she couldn’t do anything about it just then, because she’d just taken some vicadin.  I told her that we cannot continue living like this, that it’s making me insane and I have constant anxiety and that I need her to communicate with me.  I also told her that we’re going to get this straightened out by FRIDAY, come hell or high water.  So as I was leaving, I called our manager to tell her that I had talked to Jessica and that she promised to have it straightened out by tomorrow.  That’s when Landlady told me that Jessica had spoken to her about this several days ago, and she had told her that the error was her employer’s…. they had shorted her check, and she’d be in immediately to take care of things. 

So she lied to one of us, if not both.  And she knew we’d get a 3-day and said nothing to me, nor did she do anything to remedy the situation.

At that point, I thought I was going to have a heart attack.  I was so stressed out, I was actually laughing and shaking.  So I went to Starbuck’s to get a light decaf mocha frappaccino, because they’re only 2 point.  I told the guy that I didn’t want any whipped cream, and when he got it to the window, it had whipped cream.  I said, "That has whipped cream," and he scraped it off and tried to give it to me like that.  Then he told me that it wasn’t even the light mocha, but wanted to know if I wanted it anyway.  So I told him about my shitty day and that I had come to Starbucks to treat myself, because I could do so and still stay within my points range.  So he made my _mocha and I went on to my tutoring appointment.

At that point, I just wanted to curl up in your lap and go to sleep.  But I had my appointment with Tutee, and that was nice, because we were talking about Ghandi and our different impressions of God.  Then I came home and petted Sweetness (who’s into EVERYTHING).

So today, I sent you all of this information with a hug request and we met for lunch. When we’re together it’s like nothing’s changed. There is sexual energy. We hold each other. We comfort each other. I’m not really sure I understand what this is all about. My mind has split in to so many voices. One tells me that obviously you love me and that deep in your heart you don’t want to be with her and you continue to hope that you can find some way out of it so that we can be together. One tells me that you’re just using me, and that you have no intention of ever leaving her. One tells me that I need to put you away and forget about it. All the rest fall to their knees, wrapping themselves around my ankles and begging me not to let you out of my heart’s grasp.

I just want to be with you.

So anyway, I came home to find a post-it on my door that Roommate did NOT get the issue dealt with, but that she would be getting money on the way home from her appointment. So when she came in, I asked her if she had gone to the bank. She said she had. So I asked her for the cash, because yesterday we’d discussed that I would write a check and she would just pay me. So she made her bullshit excuses for why should couldn’t, which tells me that she’s LYING AGAIN.

I put an ad in Craigslist looking for a new roommate. We’ll see.

I wish you could just lay here next to me and hold me. I just want to melt into you.