Day Fifty-One

May 25, 2006,

Dear Lunch Buddy,

Every time I feel like I’m getting to a place that could be ok with things as they are, I fall apart again.  I don’t understand it.  I start to cry and I ache and I’m filled with anxiety and I get so angry with you that I start yelling at you in my head and sometimes out loud.  "When are you going to wake up?  How is it a nobler thing to do nothing and ensure that three people will be unhappy forever as opposed to one person being unhappy until the next gangbang party comes along?"

And then you send me an e-mail or call me or I see you in EQ and all the anger goes away and I just want to be near you, even virtually, and everything feels normal for a while.

I really don’t know what to do.  I’ll think to myself that  maybe if I just started going out, I’d feel better.  But then I talk to people and I realize how fucked up most people are and how rare and wonderful you are and it makes me feel so hopeless.  I feel like I’m in the position to become you: anyone I might choose at this point, would be a lie.  So I would just exist in something, pretending I’m ok with it, but never be completely fulfilled.  I can’t lie to myself like you can.

I can’t imagine loving anyone the way that I love you.  I can’t imagine wanting to.  The thought of giving my heart to someone the way I gave it to you, and having it tossed back to me like a set of keys you borrowed… I don’t think I can do that again.  It terrifies me and it makes me sad and tired.

I think I’m going to start taking those anxiety meds the doctor prescribed.  I’ve been avoiding it, but I suppose if I don’t like them, I can always stop taking them.  And maybe they’ll give me the strength to let go of you if that’s what I need to do.

Right now, that’s the last thing in the world that I want.