Day Eighteen — One Good Day

April 21, 2006,

Dear Lunch Buddy,

It’s 9:30 PM and I’m higher than I’ve been in a long time. I’m not sure what to think about today, but I really don’t want to over think it that much.

I woke up with quite a bit of anxiety. I had no idea what to expect from our lunch date and was kind of afraid that I’d just cry the whole time. I was afraid you would be distant and cold, the way that you can be when you’re trying to protect yourself from my emotions. I considered canceling.

But you called me at 8:00 AM, just like you used to, and I had a feeling everything would be fine. It meant that you wanted to see me as much as I wanted to see you. It meant that you were thinking of me first thing in the morning.

And when you came over for lunch, it was hard at first, because everything in me wanted to fall on the floor and beg you to choose me. CHOOSE ME! But I held it together and only cried a little when we hugged, the first time we’d touched in 18 days.

At lunch, we held hands across the table and aside from the fact that I wanted to bite off the finger that wears that stupid ring, it was only a little awkward. We shared our stories and laughed together, like we always do.

And then we came back here. You sat down on my bed and we kissed. Then we kissed more and more. And before long, we were making love and all the awkwardness and weirdness and hurt and anger and sorrow were gone and it was just us, the way we are: raw love, passion, beauty, and peace. The miracle that we are was again.

There are a lot of questions peaking around the corners of my mind, but I’m not ready to ask them, yet; and I’m not sure I really want the answers. I don’t want to break the spell.

I told you that I had hoped that this would happen. That’s the truth. But I didn’t want to be accused of seducing you, so I tried not to touch you too much. But I wore that skirt you like. And I wore lots of Vanilla Fantasy. But you made it wonderful when you told me that it wasn’t the skirt or the vanilla. It was me.

I have some ideas about the answers to those questions that I’m trying not to ask; but as I said, I don’t want to over think anything. I just want to have this day of not aching and of knowing that you love me as much as ever and this feeling that everything is and will be all right.

There are still ugly things to face. This I know. But I don’t have to face them today.

Thank you for today, whatever it means.