Day 336

Dear Lunch Buddy,

It’s been nearly a year since that terrible day that I thought my heart had been crushed literally into pieces, causing the blood to ooze out, making me weak, tired, and causing more pain than I knew I could feel.  Despite the pain, the ache, the desperation, I knew I could survive it and I have.

I did start taking those anxiety meds.  I had no idea how bad my anxiety had been until I started taking those meds and it was gone.  I have the newfound ability to think through stressful moments, as opposed to worrying about the vast possibilities all at once.

I did fall in love with that kitty, too.  I named her Sweetness, because that is the name that kept coming from my mouth.  She’s adorable and gives me so much joy.

Speaking of Joy, I got a wonderful job in August.  I teach part time at a private school for girls and I love this job so much.  They’ve already told me that I’ll be full-time next year and that they want me to teach Summer school (which will help a lot, this summer).

And I have a new roommate, who has become a dear friend.

These four factors have helped me to heal in ways I never thought possible.  Even after that ugly day when you told me that I had caused you to alienate all of your friends and that you didn’t really want those things you had claimed to want with me because you wanted to be able to play your MMORPGs without guilt.

I’m not in love with you any more.  I was once.  I miss what we had.  But you are no longer the man I want to spend my life with.  You are arrogant and dishonest, with yourself and with me.  And you are selfish.

There is nothing in this letter that you do not already know, because you have returned to the habit of calling me nearly every day.  You ask to see me for lunch a couple of times per week.  You still hold my hand, and hug me, and sometimes kiss me… and sometimes more.  I let you because I am physically lonely and you are still the best lover I have ever had.  It is comforting to be held and kissed even though my feelings for your are that of a dear friend.  I am fully aware that you are still in love with me and still unfulfilled in the life you have chosen.  But you are unable to admit to that.  And it no longer matters to me.

I have plans again.  I have plans that are completely within my grasp.  I want my own home.  I want to live in a rural area with a garden and some animals and a workshop.  And I want to be a mother.  I want to have a foster home for girls.  I want to teach them how to be self-sufficient.  I want to give them the love that they need.  And I can do these things, with or without you… with or without any man.

I haven’t given up on the hope of finding a man who’ll give me what I deserve.  I’m an attractive, intelligent, passionate, creative, funny, warm, generous, thoughtful, and philosophical woman.  There are men who would feel incredibly fortunate to have me in their lives.  But I’m no longer waiting for for one of them to rescue me. 

I have rescued myself, with God’s grace.  I love you.  But I no longer want you and I certainly don’t need you.  I hope you can someday find the peace that I have found.

Always,