Daddy Issues

Dear Tiberius and Gloriana,

I have a conundrum, and you are among the few people I trust to give me honest, well-thought out advice and not just automatically take my side.

Here is the situation:
As I’m sure I’ve told you, I didn’t meet my biological father for the first time until I was 20 or 21.  Donal (his name) and I met a couple of times while I was still married, but for some reason, he stopped contacting me.  I had been eager to learn more about him and the two other children I knew he had, but I was never fully comfortable with him, so when he stopped contacting me, I didn’t make an effort to reconnect.

When Ben and I had been together for a year or so, Donal contacted me through my mother.  He came to the home that Ben and I shared, and we went to a Celtic festival in Grass Valley together, and I think we may have gone to Woodland games together.  I had made him garb.  He wore it with pride, and was pretty childlike in his enthusiasm for the experience.

I was willing to try to get to know him better, but there was still something about him that made me uncomfortable.  One of those things was that he would tell me he loves me after every phone call.  I felt guilty because I couldn’t say it back to him, but I also felt like it was disingenuous of him to tell me he loved me when he didn’t know me.

I wrote him a letter, telling him that I was enjoying the time we’d been spending together, but that it made me uncomfortable that he was telling me he loved me.  I told him that I needed him to let me set the pace for things like that.  I stated it as delicately as I could, but I did not hear from him again for a long time.  In fact, we’d been planning to go to another event together, and he completely flaked it off.

I heard from him again some time later, and he told me that he was sorry that he’d disappeared like that, but that it had nothing to do with the letter I’d written.  I hadn’t asked about that, so the fact that he brought it up made me feel like that’s precisely why he had done it.  I can’t remember if we ever  spoke again after that, but I know that I haven’t talked to him since Ben and I were still together.

Well, since I got out of the hospital last year, among the things I’ve done to occupy myself, was to reach out to Donal’s brother, David.  I had met him a few times before I got to meet Donal, but never again.  I had felt that David might be a kind of kindred spirit, so I had looked for him off and on throughout the years since I had lost touch with Donal.

I found David on Facebook, recently, and he put me in contact with some cousins.  We had good conversations, and he even sent me lots of pictures of family, some of whom I resemble, and a book that had belonged to my paternal grandmother.

Eventually, he got around to bringing up Donal, and asked me if he could give him my phone number or email address.  I told him he could and hoped with all my might that Donal would not use the information.

Donal has called me a few times.  He has repeatedly suggested in a passive aggressive way that I have ignored his letters and phone calls.  I had not. He still tells me he loves me at the end of every call.  I have never said those words to him.

In our last conversation, Donal mentioned that David had told him that I was going to be in California at the end of this month.  He told me that he hoped I would make time for him, but that he’s “too shy” to be around other people, and that he’d prefer that we meet up alone.

I will NOT meet him alone.  Not even in a public place like a diner or something.  He is very awkward, and even David has commented on how socially awkward Donal is.  The bottom line is that I am just not comfortable with the thought of spending time alone with him.

It’s been several months since the last time Donal and I have talked, and in recent months it occurred to me that I think Donal might be on the autism spectrum.  There are several characteristics that he has that really make me think it’s a possibility.

So here’s my conundrum in a nutshell:  Spending time with him makes me uncomfortable, and I resent the fact that he has never taken responsibility for having run away to Boston when my mother told him she was pregnant.  He’s never apologized or even just said, “I was young and stupid.”  In fact, he has tried to blame my mother for keeping me from him, which, despite my mother’s flaws, I know with absolute certainty that she never did that.

On the other hand, I also know that his childhood must have been awful.  His father, whom I spent some time with when I was 12, was a child molester, who tried with me, but I had good instincts, and got away before things could get out of my control.  (I got confirmation from Donal’s sister that he had molested her throughout their childhood.)  So growing up with that kind of man as a role model and the possibility that he could be on the autism spectrum, makes me feel like I am holding things against him that are not his fault and out of his control.  I don’t want to spend time with him, especially during this coming visit, as I have so many people to see and hug and only so much time and energy to do so.  But I feel like it’s wrong of me to reject him.

He just called, tonight, and I purposely did not answer.  He left a message, mentioning my trip and that he’ll call back tomorrow.

I know this is a lot to process, but I value your thoughts, and would appreciate hearing them if you have the time.

I can’t wait to come home and hug you guys.  I’ve actually had “nightmares” that I’ve already been and am back here with Drew and my critters, waiting for my next trip home.

Thank you for reading this novel.

Love, Jenna