BFF – Big Fat Fail
I have been taking long strides toward taking back my life after my health did a kamikaze. I’ve set up a housekeeping system that has been working out well for me – small daily tasks spaced throughout the day. I keep them on the Reminders app on my iPhone, so I can check them off as I do them. My kitchen gets cleaned daily. Living room, bedroom, and bathrooms get cleaned weekly. Litter box gets cleaned as needed. I check it before bed.
I’ve also put myself back on WW to get my weight down to healthier numbers. I’m working out at Pulmonary Rehab (PR) three days per week. On Wednesdays I’m tutoring at the middle school near my house.
Today, I’m feeling like a big fat loser. I’m so exhausted after PR, that I have no energy left to do the chores on my list. My body was wracked with cramps and spasms last night that I barely slept, so I cancelled on the middle school. I feel like a flake!
It’s only the second week in, and I know that it’s going to take some getting used to. But in the meantime, my house is a mess again. That nasty voice in my head that I’ve had locked in a closet for a while has broken out and resumed telling me what a pathetic loser I am.
When I’m feeling like a pathetic loser, I want to eat. I have a confession to make. I ordered a Domino’s pizza for lunch, today. It was small, thin crust, all veggie and light cheese. I ate the whole thing! It was 32 points. I have a friend who checks in with me to see how I’m doing on WW, as she’s doing it, too. I didn’t even tell her about how I’ve been feeling or about the pizza, so that added to my self-abuse.
I managed to get the dishwasher unloaded and reloaded. It’s running now. I’ve started a load of laundry, which I will switch to the dryer before taking the dogs upstairs and going to bed.
Drew is in Germany until Friday. He called me about an hour ago and I spilled it all out to him. He told me to relax. He told me that there is no reason to push myself so hard.
I have enough weekly points left that I haven’t done too much damage to my WW record. I always tell my students and other people that one only fails when one stops trying. I’m not giving up. I just needed to get that off my chest.
If you want another go to person to help you on your journey to perfectionism let me know because I can go to the weight watchers site and tell you how many point is something and give you recipes. I also know a lot about the whys of points and other cool info.
@jaythesmartone, Thanks. 😀
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My therapist was so smart when I was horsewhipping myself about stuff like this. He taught me to give myself permission to be selfish. You are doing A LOT. Probably too much too fast. You may need to ease off a bit. Give yourself permission to take it slower. This isn’t a race. There is no time line. You don’t have to hurry. Life is a journey. Do what you can and appreciate that you CAN do it. HUG you are doing FINE> spit in the nasty voice’s eye. Meh! I don’t need YOU! You are doing FINE.
@snarkle, Thank you. In most ways I am able to be kind. But when it comes to food, I have no compassion for myself.
I did send an edited version of this to my accountability buddy. She wrote back later and said, “It’s about progress not perfection.” Then she pointed out that the progress was that I’d built the healthiest pizza possible. That made me feel a lot better and I slept like a baby, last night. Thanks for your support.
@oniongirl Excellent! I like your accountability buddy. You are coping the best you can. One thing at a time. NO JUDGEMENT. You just remember your stress rises when you try to do more than is humanly possible and when you get angry with yourself for being human. Slow down. Enjoy the trip. hug
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You are a very strong person, getting over a serious illness. You are taking strides to improve your life, and start doing what you love again.
Do yourself a favor, and please don’t feel bad that your house is not entirely clean.
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