Back to the Shrink

Actually, he’s a new shrink.  I haven’t seen a counselor since we first moved here.

I have been having a lot of anxiety, lately.  It was most notable when I’d be getting ready to go out to do something like Pulmonary Rehab or the tutoring I have been doing with the middle school near my house.  I was thinking it was that I’d gotten too accustomed to doing nothing.  For two years, I pretty much sat on my butt doing nothing.  I worked my way up to getting some housework done with lots of breaks between chores.  That and doctors appointments were the only demands on my time.

Having to be at Rehab or Tutoring makes me feel like people are counting on me, and the pressure stresses me out.  That’s what I’d intended to talk to him about.

But I ended up talking about men and abuse.  It was primarily an initial evaluation.  I told him about my life, but there were too many side roads on the journey and we quickly ran out of time.

“Was there ever a man in your life who didn’t act inappropriately with you?”  I have uncles that never trespassed.  They also never seemed to give a fuck about my existence.  I couldn’t imagine letting my nieces and nephews go through life without knowing how special they are to me.

My great grandfather, my paternal grandfather, the man my mom considered like a father and raised me to call “Papa Bear,” had all been undeniably inappropriate with me.  My mom’s first husband never was, but he beat my brothers on a daily basis with a belt, so that to this day, the sound of a belt buckle triggers flashbacks.

And then there were the teachers who made inappropriate comments – one made them to a male student about me, so I was mocked for months.  The high school counselor who would cruise my street in the mornings and offer me a ride.  I never accepted, but he never stopped asking.

Family friends said things and some put their hands on me.  Even the man I consider my dad had a moment of poor judgement and did something that I never told anyone about for 35 years.

Every boyfriend pushed me to go further, physically, than I wanted to.   I’d never really had a man in my life to show me how a man should treat a woman.

Even the men that I love most in the world, have at least one moment that, in the context of all of the other experiences I have had, causes me to doubt them even just a little.

I think today just shone a light on that.  It’s heart-breaking.