A Letter to 13-Year-Old Me
I read something, recently, that made a case for silence being good for the brain. Now that Drew works from home, I don’t get as much silence as I used to. He likes to have the TV on for background noise, and I never really gave it a second thought until I read that article. I do like to sit in silence when I’m alone.
This morning, I was taking a shower, (which doesn’t happen nearly as often as it used to, because showering exhausts me and baths are not recommended for me). My head was swimming (pun intended) with ideas, questions, and memories. This happens to me often in the shower, and after reading the bit about silence, I thought that perhaps that was the reason. It wasn’t silent, of course, with the fan whirring and the water running and splashing, but there was nothing external that my mind might focus on without my intending it to the way it happens when listening to music, watching TV, or surfing the Internet.
Among the not-unpleasant cacophony in my head, I was thinking about the fact that for the majority of my adult life, I’d wished that I could send a message to teenage me. I would imagine warning her against marrying Dave, changing career paths, never using credit, etc. I would prevent all of those foolish and embarrassing moments, stupid mistakes, bad choices, self-righteous diatribes. I would save that girl so much trouble, pain, embarrassment, and maybe prevent a tragedy or two, and maybe her life would be a little less exhausting.
I’ve recently realized that I don’t wish for that, anymore. I haven’t wished for that for a long time. At this point in my life, the only thing I wish I could change is my health issues, which have little to do with choices I made in my life. CVID, my immunodeficiency disorder, has no known cause. It’s believed to be genetic, but who really knows?
On the other hand, I have made it to this wonderful place in my life in which I have been given the gift of learning how loved I am by friends and family. When I was hospitalized for those 10 weeks at the end of 2017, the outpouring of love and support was life-changing.
This wasn’t the first time I’d had this experience. When I’d been misdiagnosed with cancer, and thus incubated an ovarian abscess for a couple of months before they figured out what was going on, I’d ended up in the hospital then for several weeks. At that time, I asked for help. I was overwhelmed by the various forms of generosity that came my way. I had no partner at the time, and it was after Adina had moved away. So I’d have been lonely but for friends who came to the hospital just to sit in silence and hold my hand. People sent me gift cards for groceries because I was unable to work. A high school friend that I haven’t seen since high school sent me two 50 lb bags of dog food.
And all the thoughts and prayers.
Dear Jenna,
___I know your life has had some challenges, thus far, and I can’t promise that it isn’t going to get more challenging in the future. But there will come a time when every single thing that pains you now and some that will pain you in the future will come together to give your life a radiance that you can’t even begin to imagine right now.
___You tend to lead with your heart. That’s going to cause you some pain, but don’t let that stop you. That pain is going to give you wisdom beyond your years. You will use that wisdom and that heart of yours to mentor young people who will love you like family.
___Your family will evolve into exactly the kind of family that you need. It’s not how you imagine an ideal family, now, but you will be so grateful for all of them – even Mike(my mom’s husband of 36 years)!
___You will learn how to be a good friend. I know you think you know, now, but you can only know what you have been exposed to. You haven’t had a really good friend, yet, but you will have friends who will mentor you as you mentor those young people I mentioned earlier. You will love them like family and they will love you the same.
___Your heart will guide you through unimaginable tragedies and you will rise from the ashes. Your heart will lead you through beautiful romances, and a couple of heartbreaks, but you will learn what it is to be truly loved by a man.___That’ll do for now, except that when you go to visit Grandma, in Oroville, spend time talking to her about her life – all of it. Ask her lots of questions about her journey from Oklahoma to California. As you already know, Grandma’s don’t last forever, and she’ll be gone much sooner than you’d like.
___I love you, Jenna (I really do, that’s another great part of making it this far)
Your older self,
Jenna
I love this idea. Good entry. I think I’ll try writing one too. 🙂
@aflake, can’t wait to read it. 😉
Warning Comment
You come up with the greatest ideas…..Do you have a cousin or other relative who is a teenager? Maybe you can tell them what you said here? I can remember in high school the classes had to write a letter to themselves for when they have graduated. Mine was nothing like this.
@jaythesmartone, I have a couple, but I can’t guarantee that anyone’s life will turn out the way mine has.
Thank you.
Warning Comment
I really like this entry. Sure, you have been through pain and heartbreak, but its allowed you to be the person you are today. If you are that loved by your friends and family, then I’m sure that you are as a great person, as you seem to be on OpenDiary.
@justamillennial, thank you.
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Nice!
@snarkle, thank you.
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