My Dear Letters

I’m going to try my hand at some dear letters. I have so much to update but I could spend hours writing about one topic and honestly, I’m behind on the updating to begin with, so I’m going to condense them into Dear Letters and if you want me to elaborate more on something specific, then just ask. So here goes …

Dear group of Big Bang Theory Guests,

The next time you want to go muddin’ in front of the hotel, please don’t. Just don’t. Especially after I worked hard with you HR guy (who came to fire all of your asses) to save your jobs. You are a good bunch of guys. You made a poor decision. We all have our "moments" at one time or another. You fixed the grass you destroyed. You were very remorseful. Let by gone’s be by gone’s. But for the love of Starbucks, when I say, "You are lucky I wasn’t on shift when you did that otherwise I would have come outside, pulled you of the cars by your ears and spanked your asses!" let it be a sign when you say, "If you had been on shift, we probably wouldn’t have done it." If you won’t do it when I am working, then don’t do it when I’m not working.

Signed,
A I don’t get paid to be your Mama!, Sassy

Dear Sheila,

I am not the manager. I don’t get paid to answer your middle of the night phone calls. Stop calling me during the middle of the night. I understand you are nervous since you are still new and still learning. But use your best judgement and save your questions for Rachel when she comes in at 7am. If it really can’t wait till then, by all means, call her! SHE is the one getting paid to receive the middle of the night phone calls. Not me. Not. Me.

Signed,
A I was once a new employee also so I know where you are coming from, but don’t call me anymore, Sassy

Dear Child of Mine,

I love you. I love you with every breath of my being. You have been a tremendous blessing in my life. I don’t remember life before you. I don’t know if I could ever live life again without you. I never knew a person could have so much pride in another human being. My heart bursts with the amount of pride I feel for you. I love watching you grow every day. I am amazed by your love of life. At your age, I was trying so hard to escape life. I love being able to experience your childhood, a childhood that every child should be able to have. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of a normal childhood.

With that being said, SLOW DOWN! Give me a chance to catch my breath lol. Stop fighting me every afternoon when I want to snuggle in the chaise with you. Soon enough you will be gone, living your own life, and I want to cherish every second of time with you as I can.

And please, this time next month, when I am sleep deprived and grumpy and short of temper, please forgive me. If I can give up sleep on the weekends, when I am working the night shift to be able to attend your karate tournament and then all of your volleyball games, then please excuse my behavior. I could have been my mother and said, "No, you can’t play volleyball because all of your games are on Saturdays, and I have to sleep on Saturdays because I work Fri-Sun nights." But instead, I gladly forked over the money, have started a huge stock pile of energy drinks, and will be going without sleep, all with a smile on my face because I love you. Just remember that. I love you.

Signed,
A I can sleep when I am dead, Sassy

Dear Hubby,

Channeling your inner Jo Ann much? (Jo Ann is my mother) Please don’t say, "I can take her to karate practice if that means you get more hours at work" and then get all pissy with me when you DO have to take her. No, I am not giving up sleep to take her when A) You are perfectly capable of doing so, even with a broken thumb B) She is just as much your responsibility as mine. You aren’t the one struggling at 4 am to stay awake, thus chugging an energy drink, thus being wired wide awake for the next 10 hours till you can finally fall asleep, only to have the same viscous cycle repeat itself each night I work. Stop your whining.

And seriously, for the love of chocolate AND Starbucks, stop assuming my FB posts are about you! If I tag you, then they are about you. Otherwise, they have nothing to do with you. You are not the center of the universe. The world does not revolve around you. I wish I could appease your need to be the center of attention, but I can’t. Stop being jealous of my friends and family and be happy that I am a well loved individual. You are too, well loved that is.

So please, stop getting mad when I make a post, thinking it is about you, then realizing it ISN’T about you, then making a comment on said post trying to all of a sudden make it about you, so that the post can then be about you. Just stop.

I know you don’t like having to spend your only 2 days a week off from work actually doing stuff other than sitting on the couch, watching tv, gaining even more weight. I don’t like having to spend my 4 days off from work, running errands, cooking all the meals, doing laundry, vacuuming & mopping floors, scrubbing bathrooms, dusting, paying bills and whatever else life throws at me. I really shouldn’t have to wake up from a dead sleep on the weekends to cook dinner, throw YOUR trash away that you sat on the counter 2 feet away from the trash can, and putting your dirty dishes in the sink for you. You won’t die from deciding what is for dinner and then going through the drive through to get it, if you don’t want The Child cooking us Ramen noodles for dinner. You want fairness? You have to give a little to receive a little.

Also, if you could please refrain from "You need to tell her she needs to clean up her mess" that would be great. She is mimicking you. She sees you being lazy and thinks it is ok that she can be lazy also. If you want her to stop, and to clean up after herself, TELL HER YOURSELF and/or start practicing what you preach. I’m not going to play bad cop to your good cop.

Signed,
A wife who will punch you in the face if you don’t stop, Sassy

Dear Drunk Uncle Boris,

(Not to be confused with Drunk Uncle Pedro, Drunk Uncle Boris is a Russian Pulmonary Doctor I had the pleasure of being seen by. Still confused as to WHY I had to see him, but there you go. When I went to visit my GYN, and asked for a script for new CPAP supplies, she figured it would be best to get the script from him. Whatever. Didn’t really appreciate having to pay another Dr. for something the 1st one could do. But, whatever.)

Dr. Reznik, please don’t be confused. I AM an anomaly. I have ALWAYS been different. I know you have only met me the one time. I know there could never be enough visits to your office before you were no longer confused. Just trust me when I say I am not normal. And no, I won’t keep coming back to sit in your pressurized respiratory chamber. Once was enough for me. I’m just as confused as you are as to why my test results came back with the results as "the lungs of a non-smoker" when

I have been smoking 20+ years. Especially with my family history. Let’s leave well enough alone and go with those test results and call it a day, okay? Thanks.

Signed,
A Yes, I will fill the script for Chantix and will be starting it soon, Sassy

Dear World,

I apologize in advance for the person I am about to become. I will be starting the prescription Chantix to stop smoking soon. I’m saving up the money to pay for it (Tricare doesn’t cover it) and I’m starting a stock pile of Saltine crackers. I was on the Chantix before but the stomach issues, along with everything else going on in my life at the time (Prozac/Birth Control cocktail I was on at the time, developing shingles on my right butt cheek, my step father dying, etc.) convinced me at the time to stop the Chantix. Since it was working when I was taking it, as far as not smoking, I have decided to give it another try. Now I know what to expect so I am preparing in advance.

You have been warned. I will not be held accountable for my words, thoughts, or actions while on the drug. Just watch the commercials and you will understand. I promise to not use the drug as an excuse to go ape-shit-banana’s on you, World, BUT, I can only control so much. Don’t go all stupid and "I refuse to use common sense" on me, and I won’t need bail money. Deal?

Signed,
A so not looking forward to the next few months, Sassy

Till next time …

 

 

 

 

 

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