It was the best of times. It was the worst of time

I wish we were able to go back and re-write history.
 
I wish we were able to crawl into a loved one’s head and make all the bad things floating around in there disappear.
 
I wish love and compassion and friendship could be enough.
 
I wish there were no deaths.
 
But, that is all just wishful thinking.
 
Instead, the best thing to do, which is ultimately the hardest thing to do ever, is to just let go.
 
Just like when parents are scared to let go of their baby’s hand and let them take that first step on their own. We know they are going to fall. We know it may even hurt them for a minute when they do fall. But we do it. We do it so that they may grow.
 
And that is what I have decided to do. I have let go.
 
It kills me. It kills my spirit. It kills my soul.
 
How does one just turn their back on 23 years? I can’t wrap my head around it. But with the support of family and loved ones, I am learning to walk away. One day I may even be able to not turn my head back around to look to see if I am being followed. Because I already know I am not and by looking back, I am just making it harder on myself.
 
Letting go was not an easy thing for me to decide. It’s not in my nature to turn my back on those I love. Especially when they are at their lowest and they need me.
 
But there is the problem … I’m there for those who DO need me. I can’t be there for those who do not want me there. I can’t be there for those that choose to turn the other way. Especially when they ask me to look the other way as they try to kill themselves. Or worse, to carry out their final wishes once they have succeeded in killing themselves. Maybe I am the only one who sees something wrong with being asked to turn a blind eye to a loved one’s suicide …
 
I can’t be there for those that hurt me the way I was hurt. I can’t. I just can’t.
 
23 years ago I was a mess. I was living with an abusive mother. I was in one destructive relationship after another. I didn’t love myself. I didn’t know how to be anything other than a door mat.
 
And then she entered my life. She was everything I had dreamed of. She came from a loving family where they showered each other with love instead of bruises. She had 2 parents that loved her unconditionally. I had 2 parents – one couldn’t be bothered with me because he was too busy living life with his family and the other saw me as nothing more than a punching bag and a nuisance. She had the most beautiful smile I had ever seen. It would just light up a room! She was smart, she was funny, she was beautiful, she was everything I was not. She still is.
 
And for whatever reason, she chose me to be her friend. I didn’t deserve her. I didn’t want to be her friend because I was scared that my ugliness (of spirit) would rub off on her and ruin her the way I had been ruined. She did not deserve to be friends with the likes of me! She was perfect. I was not.
 
As I said, she chose to be my friend. And over time, she showed me how to stand up for myself. She taught me to demand better for myself. She taught me to love myself. She taught me to be like her. She taught me to live.
 
She has been my role model from day one. I have always strove to have what she has. I would kill to have a husband dedicated to me and our marriage. Wouldn’t it be grand to have a husband that works hard outside of the home so I could stay home raising our children? I did have that for a while but times have changed. Wouldn’t it be the best to have him come home from a long day at work only to help with housework, help cook meals, help raise our children, together? I don’t have that, but she does.
 
And children! I always wanted 4 kids. Why? I’m not sure. I just knew it had to be 4. God had other plans for me though. I’m lucky enough to have just the one. It was a long, hard, struggling road to get her, but I have her nonetheless. My friend? She blinked and has 3 beautiful, wonderful children. And in a round about way, through her, I have 4 children now. I love her children as if they were my own. So it kills me, down to my soul, that she feels that she can’t live for them! How can a person turn their back on their own child? How can they NOT want to live for their children? Maybe I am too sensitive to the subject because I would kill to have more children. But it just makes me cry, it hurts my heart, to know that one day, and sooner than we may want, those precious, beautiful children of hers will have to live with the unspeakable horror of their mother killing herself. I would gladly go back to my own abusive childhood if I knew it would save those 3 children from that agony.
 
And here we are 23 years later and our rolls have reversed. And instead of allowing me to help her the way she helped me, because I LIVED what she is living now for the first 20 years of my life, she has decided to turn the other way. I know what she is going through. I get what she is going through. I don’t understand why she won’t allow me to help her the way she helped me?
 
I can’t force her to do something she obviously doesn’t want. We can’t help those who don’t want the help.
 
And I can’t allow her to bring me down with her. I will never go back to that life. Ever. I worked too hard, fought too many demons to get to the place I am at today to allow her to throw it all away.
 
I love myself. Too much. More than I love her.
 
So, I am walking away.
 
If she ever decides that she is ready to allow us to help her, if she ever decides that life is worth living, if she ever decides to love herself enough again to want to live, then I will be here, waiting, with open arms.
 
I will close with a quote from my husbands Facebook status. I am always talking about what an ass he is. He is rude. He is crude. He is an ass. But I love him. When it really matters, when it really counts, he can put his big boy underoos on and pull through for me. He can be my rock. He can be not such an ass …
 
"Sometimes letting go of a friend of 20+ plus years is the only option. We wish you well in your endeavors and hope you find peace and the life that you seek. We have always gave our shoulder to cry on, ears to listen, and honest criticism without judgement. Go forth, change what you cannot accept, and accept what you cannot change. Nirvana awaits you with us at the end of that journey with open arms…."

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