Tidbit

Ugh, I should be crawling into bed but I did a stupid thing and turned my laptop on.  Ha.

I had a gall bladder attack a week and a half ago.  WOW.  I have only ever been in that much pain during labor for my daughter.  I was bawling.  I’m such a baby, but seriously, I wanted to die I was in so much pain.  But apparently I have gall bladder disease and I need to have my gall bladder removed.  I have a consultation with a surgeon in the morning…I’ve forgotten when, exactly.  I think 9:30 but I’m going to have to call them in the morning and make sure.

We’ve been performing Spamalot! for live audiences for 2 weeks now.  Not every night, oh no.  Just Thursdays (if we sell any tickets for that night), Fridays, and Saturdays.  I think we have 5 more performances?  It’s been fun.  I’ve met a lot of fun people and made a few new friends.  I still don’t really have anyone I feel like I can talk to about anything…my parents always said that it should be your spouse, that he/she should be your best friend…but a lot of what I feel the need to talk about ends up being about him.  I do try to talk to him about it but he’s so emotionally constipated that frequently it’s like talking to a wall.  He does, he just walls himself up and walls me out.  Sigh.  Being in the musical has enabled me to be fairly distracted from that fact but what happens once it ends?  Do we just continue to drift apart?  Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one fighting to keep us together.  Not that he doesn’t care about me and our daughter, but that he doesn’t allow himself to be much more emotionally invested in our relationship because of how badly he was treated by his first wife – and he literally doesn’t believe he’s worth the effort.  So I try not to be too discouraged about carrying this marriage of ours largely by myself.

Lately I’ve been wanting to compile a bunch of songs that say a lot of what I feel but somehow can’t find the words for.  Or say what I wish things were between us.  I only ever wanted to be adored…and I don’t know that that’s how he feels about me.  I know he is capable of deep feeling – all I have to do is watch him with his son or our daughter.  But I’m almost jealous of them, and the uninhibited way he is with them.  I feel left out when it comes to getting physical affection from him.  Maybe our "love languages" or whatever are too different, too out of sync.  Something I’m willing to work on, and I hope he is too.

Hhhhhhh this turned into way more than just a few lines about how life is right now.  Damn you, internets.  I’m going to go read myself to sleep.