The cello is my favorite stringed instrument

In fact, I am listening to a cover of OneRepublic’s "Secrets" right now – if you head to YouTube and check out The Piano Guys, it’s their cover of it.  Which I adore, and I loved the song in the first place.

I’m at my aunt’s place in San Antonio.  I was here to shoot her wedding this past Saturday.  The wedding went very well, but I was highly frustrated by the restrictions placed on me by the chapel coordinator and I feel that I didn’t do as good of a job with their pictures as I could have.  However, we’ve talked about it and my aunt has reassured me that both she & her new husband are happy with the shots I got.  I guess I can’t really ask for anything more.  But this experience has clinched my decision to not – and I mean NOT EVER – step into the realm of professional wedding photography.  I don’t mind performing that service for family & friends, but to have only that as my profession would suck the joy out of photography for me.  

It has been interesting to be here, nearly three years after I lived with the same aunt as a nanny while her divorce was going on.  She has 5 children who were confused, agitated, and extremely rambunctious at the time.  Said children were much more like normal children this time around, and I didn’t have to watch them on my own.  Not that I really watched them at all this time.  In addition to the maturity they displayed, I have had memories of experiences here resurface, both good and bad.  I don’t t know that I will ever be able to think of San Antonio or Corpus Christi or even Texas in general without remembering that it was here that I made the worst mistake of my life.  (If you’ve read enough of my journal, you can probably figure out to what I’m referring.)  For the most part though, this weekend has been a positive experience.  I’ve been reminded also that I am fiercely loved, and that I have people willing to let me talk through my feelings about the current state of my marriage.  I think I needed that reminder, because I have felt recently that while there are quite a few people who know shreds of what I have gone through and am continuing to go through with my husband, I don’t have any one person I can turn to any time I need to and just pour everything out and unload.  I suppose part of that is because I struggle with the notion that if I do this, I will be bothering whomever it is I’ve picked to unload onto.  Which I know in my head is ridiculous, but feel in my heart is valid.  So ultimately, I need to tell that feeling to shove it, and unload anyway.  Because to keep it inside is to poison myself.  And there is a difference between typing it out onto a screen and saying it out loud to a willing listening ear.  At least for me there is.

I have missed my daughter and my husband desperately.  They are both such an integral part of my life.  Thank goodness for cell phones and the ease of communication these days.

Well, as I am traveling tomorrow, and have already lost an hour of sleep due to the time change, I think this is good night for me.