…oops?

Apparently I spoke too soon.

The plan had been to go get a remaining refill and I would hold on to it, and dispense an agreed-upon-number of pills to him per day to help the withdrawals not be so horrific.

For the past few days I’ve been encouraging him to call and get the refill.  He has been putting me off.  Today I found out why.

I decided to call the pharmacy and see if he had already picked it up.

Surprise, surprise.

He’d picked up his last refill on Saturday the 3rd, while Squeak and I were at my parents’ place a few towns over.

It always surprises me, the amount of hurt I feel each time I discover he’s used again and not told me.  And he’s never told me – I’ve always found out after the fact.  Add today to that tally.  Anyway, you’d think I would have built up a callus on that part of my heart – the part that hurts when I find out he’s hidden something from me.  Apparently not.  I am just too tenderhearted, to willing to have faith that this time will be the last, too hopeful.  I don’t know if I can honestly take much more.

I don’t want to leave.  I don’t want a divorce or even a separation.  But what good am I doing, sticking with it?  Sometimes I feel like that "always be there for you" attitude can go fuck itself.  When has it ever ever earned me anything aside from a broken heart?  Granted, my husband is a step up from that asshole Jeff in the sense that he at least doesn’t abuse me emotionally or sexually.  But in every other way, it is the same scenario.  I stand here, arms open, ready to carry my share of the load.  It is so difficult to simultaneously not be allowed to be a part of his emotional life, and carry the overwhelming weight of making sure this family stays together.  Sometimes it feels like he doesn’t even give a shit when it comes to that.  I know that his recovery is not my responsibility, that HE has to want it enough to take the steps himself.  But what if he never does?  I cannot bear the thought of taking our daughter away from him.  She seems to be the one thing in his life he truly adores, aside from those damn pills.  And she adores him right back.  She is young enough still (just turned 1 year) that she has no idea the mire he is in.  I don’t want that to ever end for her.  I want him to be at a point in his recovery where it’s all behind him by the time she IS old enough to understand.  I feel like, if I leave (which I tried for a brief period in August of this year) he will allow himself to spiral deeper (which he did while we were gone – he got pills twice while we were away).

I think, right now, I am staying solely for my daughter.  I love my husband.  But it’s a tender reed, drowning in the flood of little to no reciprocation.  Maybe not because it’s not there, but because it’s so overshadowed by his addiction.

All I’ve ever wanted in my life is to be cherished by someone I cherish just as much in return.  Seems like I once again got the short fucking end of the stick.

*sigh*  Sorry all I can seem to do is talk about this.  I wish this wasn’t my life.  But it is.