One step forward, two steps back.

There are still a lot of entries I need to transcribe to this diary.  I’ve been contemplating even copying entries from my RL journals, mostly for my benefit of having them all in one place.  It’s kind of annoying having to haul them all around – they get heavy and mostly they collect dust.  This way, too, I have them backed up in case something happens to the hard copies.  I need the internet at home first…and that’s probably a ways in the future.  Technically I could type entries and copy and paste them whenever I happen to be somewhere with internet access – that’s probably more efficient than waiting around for the net, haha.

The recent difficulties in my life and marriage have left me drained.  Sometimes – most times – I don’t see an end to this battle.  I’m afraid of waking up to it 5 & 10 & more years down the road.  The rational part of me expects this, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be afraid of it.  It’s going to take a constant vigilance on my husband’s part that, so far, I haven’t seen him exhibit.  Granted, aside from my cutting, I don’t really know what it is to deal with an addiction, and since his is to painkillers, I feel my fears are grounded.  They’re so damn easy to get ahold of these days, and that’s not something I see changing.  So far he has obtained them legally – i.e. not buying them off the street but going to ERs and getting a few pills at a time – but that has left us up to our ears and higher in medical debt.  When you only net between $300 – $400 a month there’s no health insurance and there sure as hell isn’t paying for anything but the most basic necessities.  Our church pays most of our monthly rent, I fact that both relieves and troubles me at the same time.  And we have assistance through other programs as well.  But a lot of the time I wonder – will we ever be out from under this?  It is a constant stressor for both of us, this irritating buzz in the background of our marriage that’s not completely ignorable, and I’m sure that at times it has been one of the things that drives my husband to seek a fix.  But him seeking a fix is part of that vicious cycle that only digs us deeper in debt.  We are going to have to file for bankruptcy at some point – but "When?" continues to be my burning question, as I would like to do it at a point when I feel secure enough in the knowledge that he is not going to go out and rack up another couple of ER bills, just when we get into the clear.

Well I kind of lost my train of thought there…I just spent the last like 3 hours or so getting my music library updated and in order with the help of the internet connection…I don’t think I have the energy to pick it back up again.  I’m going to go be mindless for a while and watch some TV.