Inconsistencies

I always say I’m going to keep up with this damn thing and then I inevitably forget about it.

In a sense, things are better than they have probably ever been.  I am terrified to admit this to myself, to anyone, because in the not-too-distant past every time I have felt like things may have been looking up, they have come crumbling down around my ears again.  So this is a scary thing for me, to trust this, to go with it, to not try to sabotage the progress we have made by allowing my suspicions to overwhelm me and be blown out of proportion.

We had a pretty big (in my mind) breakthrough last week.  He actually asked me for help.  I can’t ever remember how specific I have been in past entries and I am too lazy to go look but my husband is addicted to Tramadol, which – while it’s an opiate – is not a scheduled narcotic.  Seems the FDA let it slip through their all-powerful grasp when it was being evaluated and so it’s not as regulated as the other prescription opiates available out there.  He has been addicted to it for years…probably since 2003 or 2004.  In any case, he is ashamed of it – he is a strongly independent individual and hates to think that he is never in control of himself – and so the main roadblock that has harangued our marriage is dishonesty.  He will use, and not tell me about it.  He doesn’t go to extreme lengths to conceal his use, either.  He knows that eventually I will see the ER bill in the mail, or find the empty bottle.  For someone as trusting as I am, each occurrence has been devastating, world shattering, crushing. 

It’s the dishonesty that hurts me more than the fact that he is an addict. 

It’s the dishonesty that derails our relationship.

It’s the fact that the person who is supposed to be closest to me is, in fact, pushing me away.

I know that I am luckier than many others out there.  My husband has shown a desire and a willingness to change, to fight his addictive personality.  And I have only had to deal with this for 3 and a half years.  I know there are people out there who deal with this their entire lives.  I am not looking for pity or even a pat on the back, but I do have a need to share what I am going through.

In any case, I was floored when he actually, finally, asked me for help.  He is so damned stubborn and independent but he is starting to become cognizant of the fact that this may be his breaking point – this is the one thing he cannot overcome alone.

I have always had a desire to be there to help him.  I have (almost) always been there with my arms wide open, waiting for him to need me.  To want me in his life.  To want to get better. 

I think…I think it’s finally happening.