Hm.

Well, either I didn’t download my Blogger entries, or I accidentally deleted them.  Either way, I can’t seem to find them.  That’s more than a year apparently down the drain.  Ah well.  It’s not like I don’t remember what happened.  I blogged mostly about my confusion over my circumstances – a lot of entries were before I came to accept the fact that my husband has an addiction to pain killers and I was caught smack in the middle of everything that was going on.  But more about that later, I suppose.  Probably in a completely different sent of entries.

I have a twitter account, on which I frequently tweet and follow a lot of fellow Blue October fans.  A few of them were talking about bullying today and it made me think – am I going to want to put my daughter in public schools?  In this day and age of computers and internet there are online charter schools that provide just as good – if not better – education than public schools.  But she’ll miss out on all the socialization with her peers, you say.  A lot of the internet charter schools provide for that – arranging class outings and activities where the children in a "class" get to know each other.  It’s not ALL the time…but there would be socialization.  I don’t really know.  I now believe those statements where people tell you, "Oh, you’ll never really understand until you have a child of your own."  I’m sure I believed them before, in a superficial sort of way.  And although my daughter is only 9 and a half months old, I am finding myself considering ways to protect her and keep her from hurting many years down the road.  Which in turn leads me to think about my own situation, and how I know my parents (especially my father) feel.  I know they’d take my pain if they could.  But I am capable of handling it – even if sometimes I don’t feel as though I am – and I know the many experiences I chose that enabled me to handle this.  "My decisions pave the road that lies in front of me," as the line goes in a song by Blue October.  You’ll find I refer to them a lot.  They are definitely a form of therapy for me.

Speaking of Blue October, I am hoping to go to a concert of theirs soon.  The album they released last month is a heart breaking piece of work, to say the least.  I admire the lead singer for a great many things, most of which his courage to bare his soul as he does through his music.  By putting essentially his entire life on display, he allows us, the fans, to reach out and identify with each other and find comfort in our shared experiences.  I think it takes an incredible amount of courage to do that, in a world where mental illness is a phrase that is kept under wraps and people pretend that pain and grief and suffering don’t exist.  I agree that we shouldn’t dwell on such things but to hide them only breeds shame and guilt and it becomes like a festering wound.

I’d really like to get the internet at home but I don’t think that’s in the financial cards right now.  Sigh.