What did I do to deserve this…*LONG ASS ENTRY*

At The Moment

[Tick Tock]: 7:20pm

[Gettin Hot in Here]: Black shirt, jeans, socks, and an air cast

[Sippin’]: Nothing

[So Sensitive]: So-so

[Muchin’]: Mandarin oranges

[Inside My Head]: I want to hate you…but I don’t think I can!!

[Dreaming so Silently]: I wonder how Owen’s moving is going…

[So Popular]: No one

[Ear Candy]: “The Suffering” -Coheed and Cambria

Hey everyone. It‘s been so damn long since I have written an entry. 8 days to be exact. Sorry everyone. Anyways, there has been so much going on. It has been nothing but drama city over this way. I hate it!! But hey, a little drama makes things interesting. Anyways, where to start? Let‘s start with John!!

Oh, what a sore ass subject. I want to just hate that kid so much but for some reason I can‘t do it. I shouldn‘t apologize for half the shit anyways. Well it all started last Sunday when I got home from Amanda‘s. John had been trying to get a hold of me since Friday. Well he talked to me once on Friday and he said he‘d call me later. I didn‘t expect him to not call until 1:30 IN THE MORNING!! I was asleep. Then Saturday I had stuff to do. Mom asked me in a week in advance if I would dye her hair. I said I would then I had to go and get ready to go to Amanda‘s seeing she was going to be at my house between 1 and 2. I didn‘t get up that day until 10:30. So I did mom‘s hair, and I didn‘t get in the shower until 11:30. I took a bath to shave and then I took a shower. I didn‘t get out of the shower until 12:45. Amanda showed up at my house at 1:15. I just got done putting my makeup on. I wasn‘t completely packed to go or nothing.

Anyways, I packed my stuff and then we left. We had to go to Van Bortel Subaru because Amanda‘s sister Sam took on a telephone pole the night before and lost. She crashed her 2005(?) Legacy at a speed of 30 mph and the air bags didn‘t deploy. So she was pissed. We went and did that, then we went to Amanda‘s mom‘s new house to pick up a mattress. Scotty and Kyle got there before Amanda, Sammy and I got there. Amanda didn’t want to drive through the slush puddle in her mothers drive-way so she went into the yard and all we hear was *bam*. No one thought anything of it. When we went to leave we noticed a nice long brown line from where the slush puddle ended to where we were parked. We moved the car and there was a big puddle under Amanda‘s car. Come to find out, when she went into the yard she ran over a stump and put a hole the size of a quarter in her oil pan. So she had no oil. She called the tow truck people and they weren‘t going to be there for anything hour because they were coming from Stanley. They got there and Amanda and Scotty went to Farnsworth to see if they would give her a loaner. They weren‘t open. So they came back and tried every car loaning company around. You had to be either 21 or 25 to rent a car. So they said fuck it and we all piled into Scotty’s Honda Accord. Fun to say the least. (I’ll get back to all of this later.)

We got to Amanda’s and I decided that I wasn’t going to call John back seeing I was with Amanda, he knew where I was and what I was doing, and that I’d call him Sunday when I got home. Well that wasn’t acceptable. He called Saturday and Sunday. Both times I didn’t answer cause I was hanging out with Amanda and I don’t for the life of me get any reception out there what so ever. I couldn’t even check my voicemails and I had a couple to check. Anyways, I got home Sunday around 4:45 and I finally got my voicemails. I listened to the one from John and it got me pissed. He said something along the lines of:

“It’s John. Just called to see how you were. I haven’t talked to you in about 3 days. If you want to talk call me back. Love ya, bye.”

It was said in the most pissy tone ever. All because he didn’t talk to me. So I called him back and left him a voicemail seeing he was at work along the lines of:

“Ya know, this is getting ridiculous. Just because you haven’t talked me in 3 days doesn’t mean anything. You knew where I was and you knew what I was doing and I had every intention of calling you when I got home. Whatever!”

Then I hung up. He called me back around 6ish, his break time, and we just started screaming at each other. I hung up because I didn’t feel it worth fighting about because he was bringing the past up. So then I called him around 9:45ish to apologize for being a bitch. He didn’t answer and I didn’t leave a voicemail. Then he called me when he got out of work and I was already asleep. He left me another pissy voicemail asking what I wanted. I didn’t want to call him back cause I didn’t want to get yelled at. Well I guess that‘s another place I went wrong. He called me the day and we just screamed back and forth to each other for 10 and a half minutes until I got sick of it and hung up. Heidi mom heard it all. He was screaming at me about I walk all over him, that all I am doing is using him, I‘m pushing him away…stupid shit like that. So I came back with, “sorry my world doesn‘t revolve around you. I do have other things to do. I’ve been busy.” He brings up the past again, about the last time he didn’t talk to me for 3 day turned into not talking to me for a month. I told him to let it go cause it wasn’t going to happen and he came back with “I can’t.” He kept yelling at me about the money and so I said what he told me, that he didn’t ha

ve a problem helping me. All I needed to do is ask, and if for some fucked up reason that I need like $200 he’d give it to me without thinking twice. He yelled at me some more, so I told him, before I hung up, “FINE!! I DON’T NEED YOUR MONEY, I DON’TNEED THIS AND I DON’T NEED YOU!!

I got off the phone with him and cried. Heidi mom was furious!! I cried from Victor all the way back to Clifton. I got home later that night and when he got home he caught me on AIM. He ‘apologize’ for what he said, he just need to get it out. Then out of the blue he asked me if the reason why I am becoming ‘distant’ again is because of Sean. That blew my fucking mind. I was like “WHAT!!??” I told him that I haven’t talked or seen Sean in a long time. Plus I came back with “if you think that I am fucking with you then going to Sean than you must think I’m shallow.” He said “no, I didn’t say that.” I said “you don’t have to directly come out and say ‘Amanda your shallow’. It’s the way you said everything.” Then I said that maybe we were wrong for each other if he thought that and he said “maybe we are.” Then I said nothing for a minute and he started shit about MY past!! Are you fuckin serious? You don’t throw my past and what has happened to me in my face and turn in around as if this whole thing is my fault!! He made it seem like I let my past rule my life. Sorry, I don’t!! Being molested, forced to have sex and used by men is going to be with my for life, but I don’t let it run me. It tells me to be cautious of what I do with men and how I do it. But no, I let it run my life. I told him that it’s always going to be with and that I am never going tog et over it, but he came back with his “friend on the internet was raped for 9 years by a family member and she’s over it, why can’t you?” I told him flat out “I have many guy friends and that’s fine, but when it comes to having a relationship with a man and it’s matters of the heart, I have to deal with it a whole lot differently.” Then he said this “I gave my hear and soul to you. Why can’t you do that for me?” I said nothing. And he’s like “nothing huh? Why?! Why can’t you answer me? It’s because you let the past rule your life. I let me past go and it makes me who I am.” I had enough and I left the house crying.

Yeah, crying. And you wanna know to who.

I got in mom’s car and went to the store and cried to Sean!! I told him what was going on and he’s like “people won’t understand. I am so sorry.” And he came up and held me. I also had an interview that day and they had to do a drug test and they took hair strands for that. I was telling him about that while crying, and when I told him they cut it, it made me cry harder. Anyways, I calmed down a little and we got to talking. He cares so much about me, I come to find thing out. He held me, hugged me, and did what I love the most, kiss me on my forehead. I left there with a huge smile and I felt so much better. Nothing has changed between him and I however. It’s still “in all do time, I promise” and “patience is a virtue.” That night I didn’t care. I was just so happy. So you see why I want to hate John. How can he say he loves me, when he can hurt me worse than physically beating the fuck out of me. That’s not love at all.

So yeah, I’m still single. I met someone. His name is Owen. If you are on my favorites list, you got to see a picture of him. I think he’s so sexy. I met him at Amanda’s house when I went up there. I’ll get back to this part in a minute.

Back to going to Amanda’s. We all got in Scotty’s car and went all the way back up to Greece. We got there and then we had to go to the laundry mat cause Amanda had to wash some blankets. We also went to Wegman’s to get taco stuff for dinner. Amanda, Sammy and I made dinner and we ate it all. It was that good. It got to be around 8:50 and Owen, D, and Kevin showed up. We just got done picking up dinner so we were like awesome!! Time to drink. We had a small but good variety. We had Twisted Ice Tea, Twisted Half and Half, Labatt Blue, rum, and some J.D!! Amanda and I didn’t drink much, but we drank enough to feel good and relaxed. Amanda, Sammy and I all danced in the living room. Much fun. Then Amanda took Owen down the hall and told him that I wanted to bang him, or so she said. According to Owen she didn’t tell him that. Plus, on top of that he said that I was very good looking!! The whole night I was on a cloud. So happy. I had a good weekend that weekend.

Anyways, back to Owen. I’ve been talking to him mostly on myspace. My favorite message he sent me is the following:

O-Dawg: well wow, that was alot to read, im not really gonna write somethin long but to wrap it all into one word, im interested, i’ve been hurt b4 so im not jumpin into sumthin so quick, im takin my time with it but we will talk, i might not be able to talk in depth for a few days becuz im movin to hamlin but we are gonna talk in depth soon so im gonna kinda leave it at that. give me a call for sure.
Later
O

So yeah, we’ll see what happens. I have to call him, probably today.

So now we are up to Thursday. Well I went with Heidi mom to Cdga. to Murphy’s Tire’s to get her tires rotated. We were leaving and guess what happens. I FELL OUT OF THE DOOR!! In doing so I ended up spraining my ankle, bruising my knee and hyper extending my arm. All on the right side mind you. I grabbed the door that I am surprised the door didn’t fly off the hinges. My ankle doesn’t hurt as my arm, but damn!! I haven’t gone to the doctor’s because I don’t really feel the need to go. Plus I have no insurance and I can’t pay for a doctor visit. So that’s that!!

I had a job interview that I am probably most definitely going to get. It’s working at Pactiv, with mom, but not for Pactiv. It’s AVI and they are up in the cafeteria!! I’ll know either Monday or Tuesday when my drug test comes back.

Well I think that is it for the moment. I have written a massively long ass entry. I guess that’s what you get for not updating for a week. Until next time…PLCG!!

-A*

The memory diary…..The Angel.