December 19, 2018

Until You Walk In My Shoes…

It has been so long since I’ve written. I started an entry months ago and saved the draft, but I just removed the draft. It’s not what I’m feeling anymore. Let’s see – quick catch up:

Owen and Riley are doing great. 6th grade already. Got the first quarter report cards and I have solid B students. Riley made merit roll as well. Tonight is her chorus concert. Owen got an “All-Star” award for demonstrating the characteristics that are important in being a good student. Had his CSE meeting and talked about what we are going to be doing with him. The school he is in he can only attend through 7th grade and then he “ages out”. We aren’t sure whether to send him back to the home school with all the accommodations he needs or to one of the other 2 schools we’re looking at. One of the schools just so happens to be the school I graduated from. They have a really go autism program. We should be doing tours in the coming months.
I have to go to an eye specialist. Went to the eye doctor because I’ve been getting headaches, fuzzy vision, halos, and double vision. There was one episode where I could barely have my eyes open. I was at work talking to people with my eyes closed. Anyways, they found that the angles of my eyes; specifically the ones near the iris and cornea, are narrow and are closing off so the fluid is building and can’t filter out. “Intermittent Angle Closure” is what I’m told. I’m on the borderline of being able to just monitor and this is a serious deal. The specialist is going to look and see if I need laser surgery to help with this. Essentially shave some of the iris down a little to help widen the angles. No cure for it just helps prevent the closures. Also, signs of dry eye. Been on drops 3-4 a day and gel drops before bed. If I don’t need the surgery right away, they’ll put me in glasses.

Now that you’ve got the shortened version of what’s going on right now, let’s get into the juicy stuff; Bobby and I. I ask that no one pass judgment. Here we go…

Well, things were going wonderfully. We spent every weekend together. July was his birth-month. For his birthday, I named 2 stars after his daughters that have passed away. He cried. I was going to spend the following Tuesday with him and go to work from his house. He never got back to me on what was happening, so I decided I’d surprise him by showing up. Surprised isn’t the word for it. Been having an issue with him constantly speaking with one of his female co-workers. He came to me saying that she was going to come to me and say that they were an item and that I shouldn’t listen and just block her. I did this. I’m not one for drama…not now anyways. I got to his house and there was a Jeep in the driveway. I just knew it was her. I got out of my car and walked up the steps and right as went to grab the handle to the door, doesn’t she answer the door. He asked who it was and I walked through the doorway and say “it’s me.” He looked at me then at her. We all stood in awkward silence. She walked away and went to the bedroom that he and I have shared. He proceeded to scream in my face to get out. I got out of the house and stood in the yard on the verge of tears while he tended to the dog. Out walks Her with a fan and a Vera Bradley duffle bag. Walked by me and says “just so you know, he’s been with me since December. And in April I lost his baby.” I said nothing, didn’t do anything, just stood there and let her walk by. I turned to watch him get his turn-out gear out of the car, swim trunks, his pager, and whatever else he had in her car. He had the audacity to say that we were both being ridiculous. I walked away and went back into the house. Got almost to the bedroom where I broke down in tears in the doorway. I mustered enough strength to go into the bedroom and grab anything that belonged to me. I found he had removed anything and everything that had to do with him or me. Love notes, pictures, all hidden under clothes. I grabbed them, my clothes, my bathroom stuff, (I forgot my boots and pictures of my kids) and started walking towards the door. He walked in and asked what I was doing. I had to ask what the hell does he expect me to do? He told me that if I took my stuff that we were done. He walked over to me and grab the stuff from my hands and put it all back. I wanted him to stop screaming at me and to just talk to me. I stood in front of him in the hallway with the bedroom door behind him. He tried going around me and I pushed him into the bathroom just to get him to stop moving and talk to me. I haven’t said a damn word the entire time. He continued to scream at me and saying I was trying to trap him. Saying that I cost him a good friend. I finally walked out the door and there she was again behind my car. I left and he got in the car with her. I cried the entire car ride. I went to Leah’s house and when I got there he called me. Saying that I didn’t have to “leave leave”, but I ruined his plans. Saying I never got back to him about coming out and that I didn’t ask to come out. (Didn’t know I needed permission to come out and see my boyfriend or to check to make sure he wasn’t with someone else.) Continued screaming at me and hung up. I called and called. He finally picked up and we argued some more. I DID NOTHING! I finally turned my phone off.

The next morning he called me while I was getting ready for work. Called to see how I was doing. I was a mess. Asked him how he was and I got “ok considering.” Again, ladies and gentleman, I didn’t do a damn thing. Just showed up to see my boyfriend. After that, he stopped talking. This all went down July 31st. I went from seeing him every day and talking every day to nothing. The next time I saw him was September 10th when he stayed at my house. Talk about awkward.

I still live with Patrick so having him at my house is so difficult for me. He doesn’t seem to understand that. It has also kicked off this whole ‘no I can’t stay at his house anymore’. We had an argument about that. Like he doesn’t want people to see me there. After that day in September, I didn’t see him again until December 8th. That weekend was his sons birthday party and family Christmas party. We spent the weekend together. We got a room at a hotel, was my suggestion. To me, that seemed like neutral territory. That was also the first time we had had sex since June.

I am slowly trying to forgive him. I don’t know for sure if what was said is the truth, and I know that I will never get the truth. He’s trying with everything he can to prove that it’s me that he wants. He’s on the verge of being promoted to run his own store in a different town away from her, he’s thrown himself into the fire department, which is where he spends most his nights, calls me, texts me, makes plans with me and the future. I have a hard hard time knowing he still speaks with her. I get asked why do I stay – I love him. I love him very very much. I know what’s happening is wrong. And being blamed for everything is wrong. I’m hoping for change. One day at a time…

So there you have it. Please be gentle. Going to head outside and grab the mail…(I’m working at the moment 😏).

Until next time…