The Knot May Not Be Tied As Soon As I Think….

Hey family. So much is going on over here. Last I left off was with a wedding location. Well that changed to an actually church. I got to thinking about it and Pat and I agree that seeing we can’t control the weather, it would be in our best interest to have it indoors. So we have decided on getting married at the Hemlock Methodist Church. My dad got married there to my step mom. Anyways, we aren’t Methodist but the minister is pretty cool with the fact that we aren’t. So that is that so far.

HOWEVER…things have taken a turn for the worse. I had a break down this past Monday and the doctor put me back on anti-depressants. It has gotten to the point that I don’t want to make dinner [I do for the kids but it’s like a big thing just to make sandwiches], I don’t want to clean my house, I want to sleep all the time, the smallest problem gets turned into something way beyond what it really is and I just can’t control my mood swings anymore. I called the doctor crying and she immediately prescribed me some different medication without even seeing me. [Love the fact that my doctor has been with me ever since my depression started in 9th grade.] Anyways, since then, things between Pat and I have been unraveling. I have this suspicion that he is cheating on me. Let me go back to Monday. We I flipped out because I didn’t want him to go to work. He just got done working 13 days straight had 1 day off and back to work he went. I called the doctor on Tuesday. After I made the call he went over to his mothers to get me something and according to her he went over there with a stressed look and she asked what was wrong and he told her that he had to get out of the house because he couldn’t handle me. According to him he didn’t say that. So I’m stuck into between this he said she said bull. Now the reason why I have these thoughts that he’s cheating on me is that all of a sudden he has become Mr. Popular. He was asked to go to the bar with a girl from work. No biggie. Then more females are calling at like 2am wanting to know where he is and why he isn’t at the bonfire. Then his phone has been going off non stop with text messages. Don’t get me wrong, I love he has friends, but we have been together almost 3 years and his friends haven’t wanted much to do with him since him and I got together. Why I don’t know. I didn’t question anything right then. Anyways, I’ve been noticing that he has been going to work early. He doesn’t have to be there until 4 and work is a 2 minute drive from the apartment. He leaves at 3. He’s been getting home a little later everyday. He gets done at 12am, but won’t show up until almost quarter to 1am. Still didn’t question. Well Friday was pay day. He brought home $1,200. We had rent to pay, lay-a-way, groceries and the cell bill. Needless to say, the cell couldn’t get paid because we didn’t have the money. It’s $344 dollars. Rent is $685. Lay-a-way is $72 and then there is food and diapers. So the phones are getting shut off unless we give Sprint the money with in 6 days. Well somehow my phone became the main line and now I can’t call out or text out on my phone. I can receive everything still, but other than that my phone is useless. So I asked Pat before he went to work if he could leave his phone seeing his you can call out on. He looks at me and goes “Uh, I was going to take it to work with me.” For what?!?! I asked him that and seeing he can’t have it on the line it’s useless to him at work. So he said fine. He went into the living room, got it, brought it in the kitchen. I was trying to put food away and out of the corner of my eye I see him texting. So I come back with “that’s right tell your secret girlfriend that wifey has the phone today.” He said he wasn’t texting, he was checking something. So when he pulled out of the driveway I looked to see what he did. Earlier that day I was texting my mom so the stuff I sent was in the sent folder. There was no new text but the sent folder was EMPTIED!!! I also looked to see who he called. He doesn’t call me anymore on his breaks. He says he barely gets one. There was some local number on the outgoing list at 6:37pm and again at 11:01pm. I freaked. He called me on one of his friends phone and I lost it. He said the number was the phone on the line. But staggered to say it. He was like “it’s the uh…uh…number to the line.” Then I asked about why the sent folder got deleted. He said that he did that so there would be room for me to text if I needed to. He said that it was full. I came back with “bull shit!! When I started texting my mom, it was empty. There should have only been 10 messages in the sent folder.” The next thing out of his mouth was “oh, there was?!” Needless to say, when he got home no one said anything to anyone. Saturday morning was the same way. I had a nightmare that night too. In my dream he told me that there was someone else named Joanna and he last name began with an H and the he was moving out tomorrow. So I was up Saturday at 7:30 crying. He seen me cry that whole morning and said nothing to me. Just walked by me like I wasn’t there. Finally after the kids went to bed I told him we had to talk about what was going on. He said that there was no one else. That when he comes home he’s coming home to me and our kids. That he loves me. I asked if my depression has gotten to him. He said that he knows I have ISSUES and that I’m getting them taken care of so he’s fine. He hugged me so I let it go. While we were out yesterday he started getting texts from a female wondering if he was at work, what he was doing and why he wasn’t at work. He said he was spending time with the family and he was busy. I didn’t read what she said but from what I read from him this is what I am assuming she wanted. But I remember looked over his shoulder and her messages were long. So if I can sneak the phone, and if he didn’t erase them already, I can read what was said. Now if he erased them it’s going to heighten my suspicion. I told my mom tonight. Seeing the factory Pat and my mom work at isn’t doing too hot, people from her department went up to Pat’s part seeing they’re the only department that can guarantee 40 hours a week. Her friends went up there and she’s going to see what she can find out.

Am I wrong for having these feelings and suspicions?!

I have to run. It’s 12:08am and I’m at my mommas. She’s moving in 5 days. She sold the house so this is probably my last time here. We have lived here for 8 years and is going to be really weird coming over here to see my Heidi Mom and looking out her kitchen window and see my house and my mom not living there anymore. She found a new place about 20 minutes away from me. In the country. She likes it. So, if it makes her happy, I’m happy.

Until I can log on again…toodles.
♥ Amanda

.The

Angel.