SET ME FREE

Well its Monday….tomorrow is back to school….gOodIe!! Well I had quite a boring day. I got up and just bitched like I have been doing for the past 2 weeks. Then I went in my room and re-did it. Changed it around, threw shit away….read some letters….and I got to thinking about how miserable I really am. I mean yeah I have good things in my life, but mostly I am just miserable. But when Im with Pete, I don’t really think about all the bad stuff that is going wrong until I leave his site. Take last night. We were all cuddling on his bed , and I felt safe, secure, and at peace. But then when I left, I was scared, depressed and pissed off all the world like I normally am. My mom even asked me today before she went to work what my problem was and why I have been so bitchy the past 2 weeks. I wanted to tell her the truth, but shed think I was crazy. I wanna tell her its her that doing this to me. Shes the one driving me to the point to were I want to die. Shes the reason why I cut my arm the other day. Shes the reason Im doing poorly in school. Shes the reason why all of this happening!! She puts so much pressure onto me that that is all that I can concentrate on. Its getting so overwhelming and when her and I argued on Saturday, I wanted to just jump into on coming traffic. She and I fought about the house again. She says that no appreciates her and that no one appreciates the fact that she makes sure the house is clean before she goes to work. Then I said something that pissed her off and then I said that I put in my share. She said that I didn’t do my share, that I don’t watch the kids, that I let them run and do what they want, that I was worthless, that I am lazy and don’t do anything in school, and that I was nothing but a bitch!! Leah heard it all, and I looked at her with tears in my eyes and told her Dan never left!! I don’t wanna be here….I don’t wanna be in this house. All I wanna do is be able to do my own thing. Im 17 and I have the mind span of a 30 year old. I was talking to Homer last night and he says that Im way more mature than any “average” 17 year old. I mean (not to be mean) but Leahs 18 going on 19 and Im more mature than she is. I havent once gotten a chance to be a kid. That’s all I want. Anyways, if I told my mother that I wanted to leave shed ask me what is so wrong with being at this house and that I cant use the “excuse” that Dan is here. She says its not bad here. Why doesn’t she swap lives with me for one day. Just feel the way I feel. Hurt the way I hurt. Wanting to break free. Im so tempted to just run away. Lock my door, leave a note and tell her all that I have just said, and run away. No one will know where I am, and when I feel that I can approach my mother and talk to her without wanting to strangle her, then Ill come back. All I need is a break. Im 17, and I get treated like Im 8. My mother “set me a bed time”, but do you think I am gonna listen….OH HELL NO!! My mother told me that I cant leave or go anywhere. What the hell is all of this shit!! Let me be. Then when we are having a “good day” she says that she cant stop me from leaving and that Im old enough to decide for myself what I wanna do. Then shell turn around when we are having a “bad day” and tell me that I cant leave, and that the cops will be called on me. So Im just lost. I just want to be free. My 18th birthday I think is the only time Ill be able to tell my mother to fuck off and not get in trouble for it, but it just seems so far away. And the more I think about the more farther it is!!

Well I am gonna go and get a shower and call Pete and see if hell come get me later on. PLCG!!

-((Amanda))-

</SPAN