Results from my last entry…

Ok, so after I wrote that entry I did nothing but cry my eyes out. I went and picked him and the mother up and didn’t say one word. Didn’t even let him kiss me. As soon as I got home I went right upstairs, got ready for bed, watched part of “Diary of a Mad Black Woman”, Pat came up and layed down with me and as soon as the clock read 1:00am I turned everything off, and told him to make sure he set the alarm so he could go to GED. He came back and told me that he wasn’t going to GED and that it would be pointless and they’d send him home. You’d think you’d want to go and get all the extra prep you can get seeing that the damn test is TOMORROW!! So I snipped back with “FINE!! Do what ever the fuck you want!!” And that was that. He went to sleep, but I was up again seeing the kids were kicking and I was getting sick. The thing is, it’s not ‘morning sickness’ it’s because I’m so stressed out. Took some Immodium AD and some Tylenol for the headache that I had and went and layed back down. It took me until 2 this morning to finally fall asleep. Already my children are on weird sleeping schedules. Some nights they sleep right along with me, just give me a nudge if I roll too much onto my stomach and then they are awake and kicking all through my morning classes, or they are awake almost all night long and sleeping during my morning classes. Anyways, like I said I finally fell asleep around 2…on top of that had to listen to Pat snore while I was up dealing with the getting sick part and everything else.

Slept very deeply last night. I slept through the entire night, which is odd seeing I’m at 4 to go pee. Nope not last night, I slept until 9 this morning, went down stairs and peed, came back up and fell back asleep until 12. Got up again and had to pee, and plus seeing it was 12 and I had a class at 2 I got up for the day. Looked for something for breakfast but there’s nothing in my house so I went back upstairs and into my room. Pat came in the room and flopped down next to me. I had my back to him the entire time. I went and took a shower at 12:30 and came back upstairs to get dressed. Put my engagement rings on top of the entertainment center, got dressed, did my hair, and picked the perfume I was wearing for the day. Then I just stood at the dresser. Went through my jewelery box and took out the 2 wedding bands [mine and his] and sat them next to my engagement rings and left the room.

Went downstairs, got my stuff together to go to class, went out to the car, started the car and put the stuff in there. Went back in and sat on the love seat crying. I swear all my eyes do is leak…I’m ALWAYS crying. Anyways, I told them that I couldn’t come and get them tonight and told Pat that I was leaving. He came over and gave me a hug. By this time I was crying so hard that I had to use the wall as support or else I would have fallen over. This was when Pat noticed that I wasn’t wearing my engagement rings. He came right out and asked me why I wasn’t wearing my rings. I told him that I had enough and that I was leaving.

With that said, we went out on the front porch and I told him that I was done with everything. That everyday was a constant battle with him to let his mother go. He told me he didn’t want me to go and end it like this. I told him that I was done. Well tried to seeing I was crying so hard and in the middle of trying to tell him that he grabbed me and hugged me tight. We got talking about some other stuff and I couldn’t stop crying. I appologized for making him a father and he told me not to do that. That he wants this as much as I do. Some other stuff got said then it got to the point where he said that he feels that I expect too much out of him. That right there made me feel terrible. In which I cried some more and even harder. [Our kids weren’t moving, but by the time we got to the middle of our conversation they were just a kickin away!!]

I did however make my final decision on what I was going to do by the end of our conversation. I decided to stay because he looked me in the eyes and told me “You are my life!! You 3 are it for me. You are the center of my world. If you leave then I’ll have nothing. Please don’t give up on me.” I lost it. So I decided to give him another shot. I might be wrong, but we’ll see what happens.

I’m hoping things change. HOPING!! But like I said we’ll have to see.

Anyways, gonna go for now. Toodles.

♥ Amanda

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.The Angel.