I wasn’t good enough…

Replaced

Ok, you are all probably looking at my title wondering what the fuck I am talking about. That’s exactly it. I was replaced by some chick named Leslie. I talked to Gordon the other day. Now do you all understand. That’s right, Pete has replaced me with a girl named Leslie. This is a little of what was talked about between Gordon and I:

*Tinker Bell* (8/24/2005 10:16:07 PM): just thinking about when things were good
Gordon (8/24/2005 10:16:46 PM): all the nights we saw each other?
*Tinker Bell* (8/24/2005 10:17:05 PM): that and when things were right and normal
Gordon (8/24/2005 10:17:24 PM): when was good?
*Tinker Bell* (8/24/2005 10:17:53 PM): just thinking outload
Gordon (8/24/2005 10:18:31 PM): what right and normal thoughs where you remembering?
*Tinker Bell* (8/24/2005 10:19:48 PM): well when i saw u all the time, when ur cousin and i spoke, when i felt like nothing could harm me at all…now i rarely speak and or talk to you, im so scared to call ur cousin its not funny and when i leave him messages he doesn’t get back to me, and now it just feels like everything is crumbling
Gordon (8/24/2005 10:20:46 PM): well pete is wrapped up in his and leslie’s life, so he is out
Gordon (8/24/2005 10:20:50 PM): and i am around
*Tinker Bell* (8/24/2005 10:21:34 PM): well good to know hes happy

I read that and my heart completely stopped and I literally felt it shatter into 15 million pieces. After reading that I had to go. I drove to the store in tears. And guess who happened to show up there…Mike. Even though I hate the kid with a deathly passion I just had to leave because he is a reminder of everything. I don’t know how to feel right now. I feel hurt, confussed, yet again I shouldn’t because I found John. But notice how I never said I replaced him with John. There is no replacement for him. I swear to you, he was my one and only someone, and now that that is all fucked up it’s never going to happen. He’s all “wrapped up in his and Leslie’s life.” At times I get urges to want to go by his house and see what she looks like. Or to see what he car looks like so I can slash her tires. She stole him right away from me, but then again he was the one that ignored me. I tried my damnedest to hold everything together. But I guess when the glue in a relationship falls apart because one piece of it got ruined, the whole creation falls apart because of that one little piece; which is now missing. All the love I had for him is still there. Everything that I felt for him is still there, but to be honest with you, if he came knocking on my door this very second I wouldn’t know what to do. Part of me would want to kiss him and hold on to him and never EVER let him go again, and the other part of me would want to shut the door in his face and hate him. I want to hate him so badly, but I just can’t. There is not way that my body, my heart, my soul could hate that man. I try so hard I just find myself missing him more because I think about him all the time. Maybe I held him too close, but to me if I found something that I feel could be potentially something that could last forever I want to choke the shit out of it because I want to hold on to it so tightly in fear of losing it. I don’t know, maybe it wasn’t me and it was him who choose this. But why? We had the most loving and amazingest 2 year relationship. He was my world…my everything. But I also know that the creator up above is a jealous one and she doesn’t want anyone becoming before her. Maybe she was trying to show me that I can’t keep my focus on him because I am so young. Maybe she is trying to tell me to let him go and he might come back and if he does he’s mine for always. I just wish she was more gentle when she is teaching me these lessons of life. All I know is I love Pete with every fiber of my being.

Ok enough of that. Here’s an update on my grandfather. He is definately going to die within the week. Everyone figures Monday if not sooner. He isn’t on life support or anything. They just have him comfortable on high dosages of Morphine. I went and saw him Thursday. He doesn’t even look the same. He’s so white, thin, and like a vegatable. He sleeps most of the day, and when he’s awake he doesn’t really know what is going on. He doesn’t even know why he’s in the hospital or realizes that he is going to die. I haven’t heard from my dad today to give me an update on what is going on, but I am keeping an open mind and I am not going to panic like I did last night. I’ll call him when I get up tomorrow.

I talked to my sister Rachel the other day as well. I found out what she is having. She is having a boy. Conner James is my unborn nephews name. I am so happy. I get bother…a neice and a nephew. I am so proud of my sisters. Next will by turn…oh jeez. Hehe.

Mom is doing good. This time the surgery wasn’t as bad. At this very moment she is out and she went to the ZZ Top concert at the college. Go figure.

I didn’t get the kitty at the shelter. It would cost me $75 to have her and I don’t have it. I found one in the paper. A 5 month old calio male. I am going to get it tomorrow. The only thing wrong with him is he’s deaf. No big deal I can work around. Pictures soon.

Well I am going to go for now. Gonna go look for a new layout for my front page. PLCG!!

-A*