I am nothing…nothing short of a miracle…

J’adore vous. Pourquoi? Je ne sais pas.

Hey everyone. How is everyone doing? Pretty damn peachy over here…i think. I’ve been coming back and reading my last entry over and over again. The dream about Sean. Well he worked the last night that I did. Again, more weirdness. Like I didn’t know how to act around him. I was outside smoking a cigarette with Joe and Sean and I were messing around…play fighting…and when Sean went to go and clean the bathroom Joe made the comment to me that we mess around like we were married or something. Was really odd. But that is all I am going to say about that situation at the moment untill I know more.

Went to the doctors today. Nothing serious. I do have an ovarian cyst on either of my ovaries, but that is normal for when a female begins to ovulate. I’m happy that it isn’t anything serious.

I’ve been thinking more and more about Pete lately. For some reason with every song that comes on the radio, every movie I see, every person that him and I know hurts so much. The one song that seems be sticking out more than any of the others is “How Am I Suppose To Live Without You” by Michael Bolton. I wish it would stop. I really do. It’s not fair to John or myself. I shouldn’t be putting myself through so much punishment knowing that he feels nothing and none of what happened is really effecting him as much as it is effecting me. If it had effected him he would’ve tried to work things out with me, call me more than every once in a blue moon, or when his dick does the talking. I don’t know. Maybe I should just take time for myself to think about what I am doing, or just keep pretending everything is alright. It’s worked lately. If I pretend I’m fine I feel like I’m fine. It’s just that now it is all starting to catch up with me. At times I hate myself so much because of what I am doing to myself and John. It is not fair that he gives me 110 percent of his heart and I can only give him 45-50 percent of me heart. That’s a huge difference don’t you think?

*sigh* Well I am going to grab a quick shower and then take the little girls out for dinner. Mom got me a 12 pack of the Zima Assorted Flavors packs and I think tonight I am just going to try and drink away my problems. If, for just a split second, I don’t feel like this, I will be a happy and contect person. I promise I won’t do anything stupid. Love you guys!! PLCG!!

-A*