Ghost In The Passenger Seat

Hi everyone.  It’s been a while since I have written anything.  It’s been so hard for me to write anything.  So much has gone on, that I can’t find the motivation to write.  Let’s backtrack a little…

As you all know, I was dating a guy named Bobby.  Did you catch that – was dating.  Come to find out, he is a narcissist and has discarded me as if I never even mattered.  What happened you ask?  Heh, where to start…

Things had been getting worse more and more.  More abuse, more blame, less time, less caring.  It didn’t matter what it was, it was always my fault.  Sex was non-existent.  The last time we had sex was December 8th of last year, and I don’t even know if you could consider it sex.  We stayed in a hotel room that night, got up the next morning he climbed on top of me from behind, held me down between my shoulder blades so I couldn’t move anything but my head, he got off, climbed off of me and said we had to go.  It was a selfish, cheap fuck that left me feeling terrible and unsatisfied.  I thought it was me.  New Years we spent together, in another room, but he was “sick” and went to sleep.  Got up the next day and I took him to the fire station and I went home.  Valentines Day I got a text.  Barely saw him.  Always questioning why I was coming over to the house.  Screaming at me because I didn’t bring the twins around.  Screaming at me because I took my half of the tax returns and used it to pay back rent so my kids had somewhere to live.  I understand him being upset that I still live with Patrick, but that is the only thing that is happening there.  We live together, end of story.  We split bills and make sure the kids are taken care of.  I told him I was having issues and was told “we’ll figure something out” and no solutions were made so Patrick and I combined the taxes to pay for the place we live.  It’s my fault I still live there because I didn’t take my half and move out.  I was supposed to find the place in the town he wanted, pay the security deposit and first months rent all with a promise he’d follow.  My half of the taxes = $1000…where was I going on that?  My rent right now is $770.  So that’s my fault.  I supposedly never trusted him as he trusted me…he said that he never cared where I was, what I was doing, or who I was doing it with because he trusted me.  I didn’t because I always asked what he was doing, where he was and who he was with.  Never let him have friends, in reality, he never introduced me to any of them.  Never let him pursue his dreams, yet I stood by him while he went through his firefighter training and even bought supplies for him.  Yes, I was becoming increasingly paranoid and desperate.  I tried to leave but there was nagging pull at my heart that wouldn’t let me.  (THANK YOU TRAMA BONDING.)  His stepdad passed away and I was there for that.  The night before the funeral I found a message on his Facebook from another girl saying that she loved him, calling him baby.  I brought it up and said I was done.  He blew my phone up.  Texts.  Calls.  Swore nothing was happening or had happened and that he can’t “control what his friends say”.  That it was always me, had always been me.  He wouldn’t let me off the phone until I was completely asleep.  That following day, I picked him up for the funeral and stood by his side.

He got even ballsier later.  Memorial Day weekend I spent Saturday to Sunday with him.  Saturday I went to be early.  I was wiped out.  He was up with his son watching a movie.  He came into the bedroom not too soon afterward.  He got a fire call and he took my car.  I sent him a flirty, sexual text along the lines that when he got back we could do naughty things to one another.  He came back saying that he’d be a while and not sure when he got back.  Not long after he sent that message he returned, almost upset that I was still awake.  He climbed in bed and fell asleep.  Got up Sunday, had coffee, chilled in bed for a bit, and then he got up.  Took a shower without me.  On his phone the majority of the time.  I felt like I was a bother just by being there.  I got in the shower after he said I could have joined him.  (The last time I joined him, I felt ashamed and shy.  I had bruises from itching too much and I hadn’t been naked in front of him in months.  He accused Pat of hitting me, which has never happened.  He kept calling Pat my husband and I shouldn’t be ashamed of that.  I know legally he is still my husband, but I don’t see him that way.  I cried while in the shower.)  The girl from Facebook that called him baby showed up.  He rushed me out of sight and we “hid” to where she couldn’t see us.  (This wasn’t the first time this had happened.  It happened the week before when we were in bed together.  She came to his window, opened it and was screaming.  He answered the door and she asked why I was there, that he never loved her, why he wouldn’t talk to her, or why he blocked her from everything.  He walked her out as I sat frozen, shaking, and crying on the bed.)  After all the madness, he asked me if I’d drop him at his friend’s house.  I said sure.  He asked if I was going to be upset if he went to his friends.  I didn’t care if he hung out with his friends if that was really what he was doing.  We dropped his son off and I took him to his friends.  We kissed bye, said I love you, and he got out of my car.  He stood in front of my car but wouldn’t go in anywhere.  I asked if everything was alright.  He said yes and that he was just reading his text from his friend.  I drove off.  What he told me was he was helping his (guy) friend move some stuff; that if he didn’t answer that was why and to not panic.  I didn’t hear a word from him for the rest of the night.  The next morning came and he finally called.  Said he was sorry for not getting back to me, that he was exhausted from all the moving and asked if I’d come to pick him up and we could spend the day together.  Offered to take my kids to the park.  Mind you, the twins are now 12, parks don’t excite them anymore.  Hanging with mom and her boyfriend doesn’t sound appealing.  They’d rather play with their friends or they’re iPad’s or whatever.  I HAVE PRE-TEENS!  He couldn’t understand this.  Kept telling me that I was keeping my kids from him.  That I was purposely doing this to him.  I said yes I’d pick them up, but the kids were off doing their own things.  Instead of picking him up where I dropped him off, I had to pick him up at the hardware store because he “just needed to walk”.  We spent Memorial Day together.  I bought new locks for the doors at his house because he insisted someone broke in.  (Cops were there any everything.)  In reality, he stole from his mother.  We drove around for a bit, then I took him home where another set of friends came to get him to help fix their car.  I helped him carry his stuff inside and I went to my car.  He had to lock up the garage and instead of coming to my side of the car, he went to the passenger side and looked at me as if I had lobsters coming out of my ears.  What fell out of his mouth was “what?!”  I said nothing.  He wouldn’t kiss me in front of anyone.  Wouldn’t let me meet them.  Nothing.  I drove off so angry I squealed the tires of my car and throw stones.  Told me I was being ridiculous and that I “didn’t ask” for a kiss.  The fuck is that?!  Didn’t ask?!  Didn’t know I had to.  We fought Tuesday and barely spoke.  Wednesday we barely spoke, but we were ‘ok’.  I get my I love you messages.  He answered the phone around 10 after I was done with my school work.  Said he wasn’t mad at me, that I’m the mad one.  Thursday was the turn of events.  That morning he wished me a good morning and told me he loved me.  I got to work and I got a message from another girl asking how she knows me and that we have a mutual friend.  So?  I asked who, when I knew who she was referring to.  I said yes that I know him and that I was his girlfriend.  She asked if we were on and off, and nope we weren’t.  Together for almost 2 years.  Then she got snotty and said that he spent the weekend with her and that he “rocked her world and fell asleep with her in his arms”.  He wouldn’t answer me.  I was so upset.  I cried.  She also told me that the guy that I claim is my boyfriend is about to be hers, and I should find a new one.  That I’m a psycho ex who can’t let him go.

He wouldn’t answer me.  Been using my phone.  Taking my money.  Using my car.  Anything he wanted I got it.  Sucking me dry.  I had to learn the hard way that he is a narcissist.  I was the main supply, and he had 2 others behind me (girl #2 from Facebook & #3 the one who sent me a message).  Also found out he was using Tinder.  That girl #2 was with him all week, sleeping with her, and then she’d leave and I’d come on the weekend.  He got girl #2 pregnant and they lost the baby.  They even went to the doctors and found out she’d have a hard time conceiving but they were trying.  We were too.  Wore the engagement ring I gave him and passed it off as it was his parents from there divorce over 20 years ago.  Passed my kids off as his niece and nephew.  All the gifts I bought, someone else bought.  My clothes were on the laundry line and he told girl #2 they belonged to his cousin.  I contacted girl #2 and EVERYTHING he said to me, he mirrored back to her.  Said I was his “sugar momma” and that I’m ok with him going to bars and picking up other women.  That I “allowed” it.  Supposedly cried that I took my husband back – which I haven’t.  Not then and not now.  He is now in a “relationship” with girl #3.  They’re in the love-bombing stage.  He gets to play the hero and “save” her.  It’s just a matter of time before he does to her, what he did to us.  We tried to warn her but, of course, we’re the psychos.  Girl #2 and I have become pretty good friends.

I am having a really difficult time letting go and moving on.  I don’t understand why.  I’ve joined a support group, gone no contact, watching a lot of self-help videos along with ones about narcissists.  I miss him just as much as I did when he left or when we were ever apart.  I love him just as much as the day I realized I was in love with him.  I know what we had wasn’t real, that it was a beautiful illusion.  That’s why hurts the most.  I spent 2 years of my time being abused and used.  I got discarded.  I’ve been dealing with indirect hoovering.  The family and I are still close, but the “new happiness” is trying to claim them, so she tags them in all their cutesy pictures, calls his parents her kids grandparents, “I love you, Rob,”…and I can see all of it because I am friends and still involved with the family.  They said that I am part of the family, no matter what.  His mom says that I am her daughter, no matter what.  I hold a special place in his dad’s heart.  No one is happy with what he has done.  I took a hiatus from my phone and Facebook.  I shut it down on Saturday and haven’t had any urge to turn it back on.  At work, I don’t bother logging into Facebook, even though I can.  I can’t handle seeing him or anything like that.  His flying monkeys are around; his family.  It’s a double-edged sword that I am being impaled with.  I turned the phone off so he had to leech onto his mom’s plan because he “can’t get his own”.  Not sure if he’s still working.  Don’t care what she does, but she made it quite clear to me that she was “going to take care of him” and that I “shouldn’t think anything different.”

I’m so crushed.  Nights and weekends are the hardest.  My mind won’t shut down.  I have the stuff I took from the house that had to do with him and me in my trunk and I haven’t had the strength to even open my trunk to get rid of them.  I don’t want to see our pictures of us smiling happily.  I have the engagement ring, but I threw it in the car somewhere and I don’t ever want to see it again.  I have made progress though.  I can finally listen to all the music I like.  For the longest time, I wouldn’t listen to certain music, for example, Kane Brown or country.  I finally have listened to them, and yes I think of him, but the pain isn’t there.  Kane Brown is coming to town and I am going to go and see him.  I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go, but damn it I can’t let him control me.  He has taken enough of me, it’s time that I take control of my life again.

In that breath, I went back to school.  Getting my second degree and this time in Accounting.  Finished my Summer Semester and got a B-.  Start back in September and I should be graduating in May of next year.  I am so proud of myself.  The kids are great.  As I said earlier, they turned 12 and will be going into 7th grade.  Owen is medicine free (ADHD, Autism, ODD).  Riley is a spitting image of me.  I love them so much.  That’s what I am living for now…me and them.

Going to end it here.  It’s taken me 2 days to write this.  Love to all!!

~Manda