Everything I ever wanted GONE

Well everyone, its been a minute or so that I wrote an actual diary entry.  Its been kind of an emotional couple of days.  Well lets see, for starters, its this thing thats goin on with Nate.  I mean I say I dont care, but I find myself in tears over him, and when Im in my room im sitting in a corner staring at his picture.  I cant believe that I fucked up something so great.  He was my everything, and now I am just sitting here slowly dying inside.  If I could take be anything, I would take back ever wrong thing that I ever did to him.  I claim to love him and what have I done?  Ive hurt him so many times, and in return Im going to be sitting here for a life time without him.  But if this is how it is going to be, I guess having one breath of his air upon my face, one kiss from his mouth, one touch of his hand is better than enternity without it.  I just cant get over the fact that I dont have him.  If you could just read half the emails that he had sent me, you could see how much love we have/had for each other.  When he stayed at my house was the greatest thing ever.  Just to wake up and know that hes only in the next room over.  To be able to wake up, go out into the living room and cuddle on the couch with him under a blanket.  To be able to kiss him good morning.  To be able to see him smile.  To be able to hear him say “I love you”.  To be able to just see him.  But those are nothing but memories now.  I pushed him!!  I pushed him so far way!!  If I woulda just fell back and let him do his thing, then things might be different.  I dont wanna fight with him, and I dont wanna live without him someway in my life.  If I cant have him as my man then I want him to be a great friend.  But no matter what he is the keeper of my heart.  He was then, he is now, and he always will be.  I knew what I wanted back then, and I know what I want now.  Maybe when I am out of school and stuff like that, something might happen.  Maybe something might happen today.  Maybe something might happen tomorrow….huh, what am I doing?  Just wishful thinking.  Nothing is going to happen.  Hes gone and moved on.  I lost him forever the day I left him the day before his 18th birthday.  There is nothing Id rather do then go back in time and stop myself from making that mistake.  Id tell him how I feel instead of breaking the entire thing off.  I know where he is coming from when he says that I didnt know what I wanted.  I did, and I still do.  He is my everything.  If I could only see him and be able to tell him this stuff to his face would make everything so much better.  I just want him to know how truely sorry I am.  And that if I could do anything Id go back to when we were together and happy.  Id shield him from all the pain that Ive caused him.  He changed for me.  He dropped everyone for me, he gave up smokin for me…all for me and what do I do…act like the heartless bitch that I am and pretty much slap him across the face.  I made him a better person, and I took it away from him.  I took away all the stuff that he wanted to be. 

((Memories))
We got together and that was the most happiest day of my life.  We danced to “Swear it all over again” and while doin so he sang it in my ear.  We made love for the first time.  He stayed at my house…*tears*!!  My god, what did I let go?!

Well Im gonna go cause I just totally depressed myself!!  PLCG!!

Forever hopeless,
((AMANDA))