Baby #3…yep, this turned into something bigger!

Well, don’t get all excited yet. I’m not pregnant with baby #3. Well not yet anyways. Pat and I have been talking about having another baby. We would love to have another one, but we are so scared. We’re scared about the cost, but we are mostly scared about having another set of twins. Don’t get me wrong, Owen and Riley are the best, most wonderful, most frustrating kids ever. I miss having a baby though. I miss being pregnant and getting ready for the baby. I miss being able to feel the kicks from the inside.

What’s wrong with me? Please tell me I’m not alone.

Pat wants one more, but to me I feel like if we have a 3rd child that that’ll be it for me. He’s 27 [almost 30], and I’m 2 months shy of turning 23. My producing years have only begun. If we had a 3rd baby would that be? Would my clock just keep ticking until the end?

I remember when I was younger me saying that I didn’t want any kids. Now that I’ve gone through a miscarriage and the birth of my twins, I now know I was only being a kid.

The miscarriage was one of the hardest things I’ve dealt with in my life…so far. I remember it like it was yesterday. All the hospital trips, the blood…everything. I remember getting all excited when I got the “What To Expect When Expecting” book. I couldn’t put it down, until I got to the miscarriage part. I started panicking. But was right there trying to calm me down and reassure me that it wasn’t going to happen to us. But it did. I remember seeing the little ‘tree’ like figure during the ultrasound and thinking that there’s my baby and she’s being taken from me. What did I do wrong? There are people all over this world giving birth to children and they don’t want them or do awful, unspeakable things to them, and here we are wanting to have this baby and the life of her was being ripped away from us. She had a heartbeat and everything. I saw it, and heard it. [I say she because that’s what I wanted. I wanted a girl first.] I was sent home and was told to relax and only come back if the bleeding increased and/or changed in color. The next day it did. I went back to the hospital and blood was just running down my legs. I went into the bathroom, where I continued to bleed heavily, and I passed 2 large clots. I got up and didn’t care that I was bleeding every where. I sat in front of the toilet crying. I got a towel and my first instinct was to clean up. The nurse came in and told me to just leave it and that she’d take care of it. And she did…without me seeing. She shut the door and cleaned up. Going to the OB/GYN was just as bad. He only confirmed what had happened to me. What do you say to someone that is going through this? I was given the pamphlets and all the condolences I could’ve asked for.

Maybe I was selfish for not taking some time for me to ‘heal’, but I didn’t care. I wanted to fill the empty spots that were left in my heart, soul and uterus. And I made sure that it happened. The whole month after the miscarriage, while Pat and I were conceiving the twins, I don’t remember. I was walking in a fog. It was like I was there but I wasn’t. I couldn’t tell you how I spent my birthday. All I can remember is the phone call I got the day before Thanksgiving that I was pregnant. From then on, I remember as if it all happened yesterday.

I am not sure what has spawned this entry. All I wanted to do was get out the fact Pat and I are talking about having another baby. It’s so hard for me to talk about it with my mom because she just turns it into a negative. Makes it sound like I’m making a huge mistake. I don’t really feel like I missed out much on anything. Growing up was what everyone deals with. Parents are ruining your life, blah blah blah. I had everything I wanted and did as I pleased. After graduation I did the same. What did I really miss out on? Going to bars and clubs? It’s not really my scene anyways. 1, I can’t dance if it killed me. When I dance I look like a retarded string bean. And 2, hook up with some random dick just to not ever hear from again. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my share of stupid shit…like a few one night stands, falling for someone who wasn’t over his ex, falling madly in love with a man that was too good to be true but I listened to my head instead. [That is in reference to John by the way.] Then I got with Pat. Sure I knew his rep. Sure I knew what he was like. But something happened the night we hung out. I found him interesting and comfortable. That night I asked him if he had ever asked anyone to marry him. He said once and I remember getting jealous inside. I thought we were never gonna see each other again so I figured hey, whatever. But the next day when he kissed me on way home I just knew. I told him I loved him a week later when he left for his vacation to Vegas that year. I wasn’t really thinking about what I was doing. I had fallen asleep in his lap and when it was time for him to go and catch his plane I was awoken to him letting me know it was time and us going to the cars and saying our goodbyes. Right then I looked at him and said “I love you. See you when you get back.” I panicked that whole week thinking I fucked up. Who’d have thought that we would still be together 3 [almost 4] years later?

Look at that, again another trip through my memory. For some reason I feel like writing anything and everything. The words are just forming in my head and being punched into words. Oh shit, I looked away for a moment and everything I was thinking left. Oh I remember now. I do, however, regret the way between John and I ended up. I lost a person so near and dear to me, one of my best friends due to selfish people. He should’ve known me better than that. I never did anything to be disloyal to him. It may have been low of me to go hang out with Pat that night but all we did was hang out. People can think what they want, but I know the truth. I’m NOT a cheater…or a whore for that matter. I miss him dearly. I’ve seen his picture on myspace, but he’s still so angry with me that he has me blocked from everything. He has a new girlfriend. She has pictures of them, but the one that effected me the worse was the picture she posted of the engagement ring. It felt like someone took the air out of my lungs, punched me in the stomach and expected me to speak all at the same time. I hope he’s happy. I still have his email address. Sometimes I find myself starting a letter to him, but I either never finish it, or just never send it. I don’t know.

Woo, that felt really good to get off my chest and out my head. Wow, this entry is all over the place. It happened every once in awhile. I get so much inside my head that it all comes out in some crazy mess. That’s just me though. Just one big crazy, organized mess. It wouldn’t be me if it didn’t happen like this. I feel so free when I get to write like this. It’s what I need. I spend all day with 2 2 year olds and don’t really talk to anyone. That’s why I’m still so happy that I have my diary and my OD family. Never once have you guys judged me in a negative way.

Well, I have been writing this entry now for an hour. I started at 10pm EST and it’s now 11pm EST. Haha!! I think I’m going to end it. Until I write again…much love to you all!!

♥ Amanda

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.The Angel.