Am I fucking crazy?!

xRight Nowx[Clock Says]: 2:11am
[Expensive Fabrics]: Black pants, pink shirt, Aero hoodie
[Wash It All Down]: Nothing
[Swallow It All]: Nothing
[Feeling]: Disorganized
[Inside Your Head]: It’s just one chaoric mess
[Chatting It Up]: John
[Ear Candy]: “Forever” -LFO
[Wish Upon A Star]: To be re-organized again

xDear DiaryxOk, this is going to be one of those entries where I just lose myself in my words. I feel like an impotent ass hole at the moment. I feel like I don’t belong to even be breathing. I feel like a terrible person. I feel like I am truly a mistake to the world. All of this feeling stuff started last night when my dad dropped Brandon off. I asked him on Friday if I could have some money because I can’t keep asking mom for money. I need help and my parents are suppose to be the two people I can go to for help. Mom has helped me out immensely. She’s been supported my shitty smoking habit, giving me gas money…which is mainly what I’ve been ’needing’ lately. Anyways, dad said nothing. He came over yesterday to drop Brandon off and said nothing along the lines of money or if I needed some help. He left and when he did Brandon shared with me that daddy took him and Billy…my other brother…to see 2 movies and took them to dinner. I was like what the fuck, but he doesn’t have any extra to help me until I get a job?! He was like “I don’t know!!” What the fuck?! Do I not exist to this man? Does he not understand that I need his support just as much as Brandon, or is it because I’m not one of his precious fucking sons?! Or his precious fucking wife?! I know if my name was either Brandon, or Billy, or Michael, or BeBe then he’d give me the time of fucking day. I deserve it just as much as those fucking people. Don’t get me wrong I love Brandon to death, he’s my blood, fully, all the way through, and I love Billy seeing he’s my brother as well, but right now I don’t really care and I am going to refer to all of them as those fucking people!! I still don’t have a fucking job, I am broke as ever and I feel so fucking stupid. I am not in school WHERE I SHOULD BE!! What the hell am I doing with myself?! I’ll tell you what…absolutely fucking nothing!! I’m a curse…I’m fat…I’m no good to anyone!! I mean take John for instance. He did nothing but love me and I fucked that up again too. I love him still, but how can he still love me?! I’m no good for him. I’m a fucking roller coaster of unorganized chaos. One minute everything is alright with me and then the next I just want him to go away. That’s why we aren’t together like we are. Everything is so fucked up right now that I don’t even know where to begin to fix any of it.

I am so stressed over this whole court thing as well. I have court in 8 days and I have 8 days to have a job. That’s the goal I set for myself…to have a job by November 9th to show the judge that I’m not a worthless or lazy bitch and that I won’t let this stop me from moving on. Plus, it would just look good. Haven’t heard from my lawyer. I should call her sometime before court to make sure everything is going alright.

Well I should put some good stuff in this entry. I can’t write an horrible entry without having something to pick me up after it. Wow I just counted how many times I’ve used fuck in my above ranting’s and I came up with a total of 13. Damn!! Anyways, back to the good stuff, which would be about the 2 interviews!! Aeropostale went GREAT!! I have a good feeling about this one. I should know by Friday. Today’s interview at Walden’s also went GREAT!! Another good feeling. I find out about that one by Thursday. Both stores gives the employees discounts. At Aero I’m not sure what that is seeing they can’t tell me until I get hired. For there uniforms I have to wear there clothes. Which I have no big problem with seeing I love there clothes more than ever. Great people as well that work there. When I walk in there I never feel unwanted or have t

hat feeling of I am not suppose to be there. I hope I get that job, Walden’s told me about there discount. Employees get a 33% discount on everything. The starting wages are $6.85 an hour. It’s a when you get hired you start now job, just when and if I get hired I would only have 8-15 hours until about Thanksgiving time when things start picking up. There dress code is very casual. Very relaxed. I hope I get that one as well. If I get both hopefully we can work out a schedule for me that would work so I could work at both.

Well I think that’s all for now. Happy Halloween everyone!! But I am going to go right now. I’m tired and aggravated. Not as bad as I was seeing that I vented some in this entry. Love you guys mad much!! PLCG!!

-A*