Absolute craziness

Unorganized ChaosHey there everyone. It’s been a while since I have written an actual meaningful entry. About a week or so ago, and that was when I was freaking out and having a mental breakdown. Things have been a sheer roller coaster. Between my mom being on my ass 24/7 about getting a job and my mom calling me a slut to my face, it’s just been fucking peachy. Well let me start off about the whole slut thing.

This is how it all started. As you all know Pete got a hold of me. Well she thought I was going to run over that night and have sex with him and then come home full of STD’s. It took me for a loop to think my own mother would say that about me and directly to my face. To think that she thinks to shallow of me is just unbearable. But for factually purposes, and so everything is clear, I DIDN’T go to his house the night he started to talk to me. However, I did go the next night. I didn’t sleep with him, I didn’t even touch him. We just talked and he told me things that I suspected to be true to be actually true. Member back when him and I split because I asked him if he was sleeping around on me and he freaked, well me thinking that he needed a way out and that was it was correct. Leslie, my now ex-replacement, came back home with him from Florida. He met her is Florida while he was sitting there telling me that he missed me, and that he was coming home early just to be with me. Pssh yeah right!! I ended up leaving his house at 1:30ish and shocked him all to hell. He thought seeing that I came over to talk to him that I was automatically staying the night and fucking him. He asked me what my plans were for the night and I said I was going to bed. He asked me where and I said that I was going to go to sleep in my own bed. He was like “Oh, I thought you were staying here. That’s kind of a shocker that you said no to staying with me for a night.” Crazy huh? How people think I am just so shallow and think I will drop my pants and spread my legs for anyone. No thank you. He contacted me ever since wanting me to come over. But for 3 days I was out in Greece staying at Amanda’s house. He was getting a little pissy cause I wasn’t home. Oh well. I haven’t seen him since that night I went over there.

Nate has buggin me as well. Trying to get back with me with the same old shit. “Amanda I love you,’ ‘you were the only one that meant anything,” bull shit. I refuse to listen to it. He’s just like Pete…a player and a heart breaker!!

Things with Sean are at a stand still…nothings really changed. I went and seen him last night. I was having a pretty good night, sort of, which was good. And so wasn’t he. I was a little hyperish which is always crazy. He kissed me first last night. For 85 percent of the time I was there I was in his arms. Around 4:30 this morning I read something in the paper about a rape and got really sad. That stuff hits close to home seeing I know the experience and I got this really sad look on my face. He asked me what was wrong and I just looked at him with really heavy and sad eyes. He looked at me and he was like “come here,” and wrapped his arms around me. He asked me if I was tired and I said a little and he told me to go and get some sleep. He was over by the coffee stuff and I walked over there and said that I was going to go and get some sleep seeing that I had to be up in 2 and half hours. He came over, wrapped his arms around me and was like “Fuck dear!! What were you thinking?!” I said nothing. He kissed me and told me to call him Thursday. We are suppose to get together…outside of work this time!! Should be interesting. I just wish things between me and him were how I want them to be. He makes me feel safe as ever. I don’t get an eerie feeling around him, I don’t feel like I have to watch my step or anything. I can be normal. I told him last night that I think I have Dan coming after me. I said that because that is the one thing I am so afraid of. (Dan was in jail with Nate and he told Nate I had him put in jail again. That everything is my fault. I was a bitch and a cunt and everything else that you can image. I am just so afraid that he’ll come after me. He gave me that look that he would before they took him away the 2nd time.) He was concerned about that. I don’t know. I hope something good happens. I have wanted him since the 2nd week he started working with me. Just now the feels for him have grown to a much greater point. I’ve dreamt about him, I think about him constantly, when I am just walking along I get a faint whiff of his cologne it’s absolutely crazy.

Hmm, job wise. I called Aéropostale and Amanda, the manager there, had a couple more interviews and to call back in the middle of the week. Same with Walden’s. So I’ll call tomorrow. I hope something comes from all this waiting.

Tomorrow/today…the 9th…I go to court about the Unlawful Dealing. I go at 7. Mom can’t go with me. She has to work. I am so scared about what is going to happen. I’ll let you guys know how it goes.

Well, it’s quarter to 2 in the morning and I am extremely tired. 2 and a half hours of sleep doesn’t cut it, but he was worth every minute. I’ll update tomorrow after court!! PLCG!!

-A* Right Nowx Time 1:07 am
x Wearing Jeans and t-shirt
x Music Whatever is coming up on my Windows Media Player<br

>x Munching Nothing
x Sipping Nothing
x Chatting No one
x Thinking About his kiss…it’s so toxic