19 week [and 2 day] belly shot + an entry

I’ve been meaning to do these pictures now for the past week and a half. I’ve just been so drained and stressed out that I just didn’t want to. BUT I did them today. I’ll do pictures first and then entry second. Here we go:

A very tired and stressed out me. It’s been a rather bad day for me.

From the left…everyday we get bigger and bigger!!

The right.

Clothes are going to become nonexistent by the end of this pregnancy.

There we go. Any changes?

Ok, now the entry that I wrote yesterday. I’ve had some notes asking if I was alright. To be completely honest with you, I don’t think so. I’m having second thoughts of marrying Pat and being with him in general. When I think back to when I was truely 100% happy, I think of John. I think I have come to the realization that maybe I wasn’t suppose to leave him. Maybe this thing with Pat was just suppose to be a season thing.

I’ve figured it out…the difference between season lovers and “the one”. Season lovers are just that…you are only suppose to be with that person for the season. When you look at mine and Pat’s relationship the summer was when it basically started and there was so much there. There was so much love, truth, compassion, and smiles as big as anything. You get to fall and all of that began to fade away. Now in winter there’s little to none of the emotions there. There is love there yes, because if I didn’t love the man I wouldn’t be carrying his children. The truth part has flown out the damn window. Get lied to almost on a daily basis. His mother…god I HATE that woman with every damn fiber of my body…anyways, shes still showering in the sink. [Her excuse for not getting in the shower is that it takes too much time! WHAT?!?!?! This woman does nothing. And when I say nothing I swear nothing. She sits on the computer from 9 in the morning to when we leave at 3:15 to go to work. “It takes too much time.” Let that swirl around in your head for a minutes.] Anyways, shes still doing this and I told Pat that I don’t like it. It’s either the shower or nothing. Stop using my sink. He goes to me “I said something.” I turned right around and said “no you didn’t!! When was this, when you were upstairs playing your game [which is where he was from after he dropped me off at school at 9 to when he came and got me at 12:50. Then I had to go to the hospital and sit with Heidi Mom and when I came home he was coming downstairs again from playing the game. I was at the hospital from 1:15 to 3 this afternoon.] or when you were coming to get me?” His eyes got huge and was like “uh….” and walked away. He did the same thing when I told him about his mother still smoking in her bedroom AFTER the shit that went on last week with me throwing shit. He goes to me this morning on the way to school “I thought I heard her spark her lighter and I was going to go yell at her, but you were sleeping and I didn’t want to wake you up.” He knows once I’m asleep, I’m asleep. I don’t hear anything. The only time I wake up is to move over to my side of the bed when he thinks it’s convenient for him to come to bed. Last night it was 3:00. I have to be to school by 9. The alarm goes off at 8…so that’s 5 hours of sleep for him. And then when I get home I get to hear how tired HE is!! Anyways, I asked him at 12 before Philosophy started if he said something. He said he did but didn’t know if she brought it down or not. I know he didn’t say anything. I’m not stupid. He’s a fucking momma’s boy for fuck sake!! Compassion…ha! I’m pregnant with his kids…I ask him to please massage my back, I get a light rub in the same spot…sparaticly, because he’s too into whats on tv. Yeah…compassion my ass. Smiles…HA!! Those aren’t there either. I’m so busy fighting with him about his mother, and fighting with his mother that if a smile does appear across my face it’s a miracle.

Well…now that is out in the open hopefully you now understand the last entry. Like I said I do love Pat…it’s just that I’m about to give up. I’m tired of fighting, I’m tired of the fact that he won’t cut the cord between his mother and himself, fuck, I’m just tired.

I’m gonna end it here…

♥ Me

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.The Angel.

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.The Angel.