Work, Mom, Feelings of Guilt.
The days are flying by and feel far too short lately. I said last week my caseload was increasing. This continues. It’s bizarre. I love to analyze and determine the “why’s”. Why do I suddenly have so many more clients? I haven’t found any pattern at this point. We still have lots of jobs listed – I am finding many are listed but not really hiring and are fully staffed. At least with the few calls I made today. It’s been a year since we saw the “COVID Money” run out – like the free rent as far as they could take it. We thought we’d see this influx then but we didn’t. I’m slightly assuming those that needed to get jobs then got them and what we’re seeing now is the influx of workers that had gotten used to everywhere being desperate and just quitting a job knowing someone would grab them when they decided to work again. Yet, now nobody needs them and they quit without a plan or realizing this. It’s great to be busy but in the same breath – I need enough time to get my shit done and I currently feel like I’m drowning. That’s my OCD need to have everything done at the end of every day. Which was doable until recently. Now… now I need to accept I have 3 days to write a case note for a reason and return to being happy with having it done within 24 hours.
I officially had a meeting with the high up powers that be – With the offer of an assigned promotion, at least temporarily, to be one of three program trainers in the state. Assuming they get the contract. It was a nice discussion. He explained I have came highly recommended between my work, overall employment history and education. It’ll be top heavy to begin, as expected, and then slow down as it’s rolled out. The raise will continue during the slower period to help make up for the craziness in the beginning. Then it’ll be moving on to assigning a program manager and some other shit. This will look good on my resume, blah blah. Duh – I coach people on resumes all day buddy.
You had me at raise. Of course I’ll do it. I despise public speaking and interacting with co-workers. But do I really want to spend my whole life in this position and not move up? No. Thus, interacting it is. It’ll be fine. I’m going to retire from government work someday with a damn amazing title. As I figure out what I want to be when I grow up.
My birthday was pretty uneventful. I opened at the restaurant and worked until 3. Took a 4.5 hour nap. Woke up in time to watch the Packers lose and went back to bed. Lame. But enough for me. Birthday tips were a huge help to my budget.
My family was as fabulous as ever. Didn’t hear from my mom until I texted to ask about my stepdad as one of my customers told me he was in the hospital. She wasn’t sure how he was as she was with friends but he was to call her when the doctor came in so she could hear. Seriously? You don’t spend the day at your husband’s bedside but instead carry on with a vacation? A vacation she seriously planned because I left town on her birthday. She then replies – Oh yeah, happy birthday. I didn’t reply.
Had therapy today and told my therapist this. She commented on how it’s always passive aggressive childish games. That things like this just cement why I have boundaries. Which is so true. I’m so tired of being hurt by this woman. Life is easier just doing my life and having zero expectations she’ll give a damn she has a daughter and sticking to firm boundaries that don’t cater to her need for attention.
Then she texts me tonight she needs my Venmo to send me the money to go towards when I took Z to Mayo in November. Two months later and you’re suddenly giving me this money? Dude that’s paid off. I ignored it and simply sent my Venmo name. Not playing whatever game this is. Then it clicked – It’ll look like she Venmo’d me cash for my birthday. (I don’t have my Venmo as private so payments to/from show up on my friends Venmo timeline.) She wins the amazing mother award. She gets credit for being clever. Whatever tho, I work my ass off. I’ll take free money and just continue to ignore the rest.
Tho, then I have this feeling of guilt. Like now I feel guilty she gave me money and I’m not nice to her and don’t talk to her. I feel like I owe her something or have to be friendly. I don’t. It’s okay. It’s not that I’m not nice. It’s that she doesn’t honor my boundaries. I KNOW this. Yet, my internal feelings are anxious and crabby since then. My mind feels bad when it knows it shouldn’t.
And THIS is why I work my ass off. So I never have to ask for money. So I never have to have these feelings of guilt. Because I will never have my boundaries bought off again. Never. I keep reminding myself I didn’t ask for this money, I don’t owe her anything for it. A simple thank you is enough. People who give because they truly want to see happy with a thank you or to just know they helped. It isn’t my fault she isn’t giving for the right reason and I don’t have to compensate for that. I don’t owe her any reactions or extra contact. It’s okay to choose me.
It still feels kind of icky tho. And THIS is why I’ll be in therapy forever. I wish my mom would go to therapy too. I wish she’d get the help she so obviously needs. Two weeks before I get to tell my therapist about this gem of an interaction and the feelings that followed.
Speaking of Mayo tho – I have one month to make as much money as possible before I have to take Zak again. Needless to say I won’t be blowing money over the next 35ish days. I’ve got the ability to work remote. However, I’ll miss four shifts waiting tables and that’s a lot of money. Plus the gas, hotel, food. FML. Someone suggested a GoFundMe. I don’t do handouts though. I can make it work.
It’s the $4K OOP he hasn’t met yet tho that I’m worried about. Novembers surgery was covered as the OOP was met. This one – I have no idea if they want that $4K upfront. Nobody has mentioned it. I see on the portal he can apply for like a reduction in his self pay amount that is income based. I just need wage stubs and taxes. So, I’m going to wait for him to file taxes and then try that I guess. Even a slight discount would help. I guess I could do something like the GoFundMe to help pay for that part as he is going to need the help being off work yet again. I’ll figure it out like I figure out the rest of the world. It’ll be fine. I’m going to return to not thinking about it for a couple weeks I think. I wish they’d just be thrilled insurance is paying everything else and write off the said $4K. He’ll have two surgeries this year each having hospitalizations of 5+ days. They will be making LOTS off of him.
After typing all this…. Assuming I get the raise and promotion. I need to live like I didn’t and put all that money away until this hospital shit is all over. And to pay off larger bills (like car) and save money for other emergencies. *sigh* That sucks but I’ll just be thankful I have that option.