What it’s really about… a childish breakup letter.

What’s it really about? This endless anxiety and depression. It’s all based around a guy that doesn’t reply fast enough? No, there’s more. I said days ago I’d write about it. I’m avoiding it though. Avoiding addressing how fucked up parts of my life are.

Max & I have been done since the whole bullshit trip thing. A month would be my math. (Let’s get real. We were done before that.) Even more done when he pulled the embryo bullshit. Then I got so sick while my Grandpa was dying and Max ended up having to save me as everyone was busy and I was having emergency surgery alone. We then just pretended for awhile like the trip and embryo didn’t happen. We were hanging out like it was an addiction yet not connecting beyond surface level. We were done, yet pretending.

Then he started making his off the wall little comments a couple weeks ago… There won’t be another Saturday for us. I don’t want to be the person that has to make you happy. I only begged you back to double check I wasn’t making a mistake and I wasn’t. Really? This guy blew my whole life up begging for another chance because I was a fucking science experiment? Go fuck yourself dude.

He said some more hurtful shit and lied about some stuff. I confronted him on why he’d lie about things that literally don’t matter. He left. This was a Monday a week or two ago. I didn’t talk to him again. It had been over forever. We were just holding on out of habit, fear, loneliness. Silence spoke volumes. I texted him we were done and I was done trying to make someone happy that didn’t want me. I moved on and returned to living my life. Insert Cody here and his presence being a distraction for me.

So I come home Saturday night from Bingo. After having a great night. Being happy. And there’s a letter in my mailbox. Max seriously wrote me a letter basically breaking up with me like we were 14. I can’t tell you the last time I was given a letter like this. Middle school from a boy named Brad? (Brad was a douche.) You can’t really break up with someone that already broke up with you. Can you? Does he ALWAYS have to have the last word? Really?

His letter was brutal. That he thought he could love me enough to be happy but loving me doesn’t make him happy. That he wants me to be happy but he doesn’t want to be the one forced to make me happy. That I was right and I always loved him more than he could ever love me. That this in good bye. I was fucking shocked. Shocked by the words, the actions, everything.

I already planned to meet Krystal for a couple drinks and of course he was there. I hadn’t cried. I was just speechless and just pretended he wasn’t there. Trying to return to the happy me. Then he texts me. Seriously… Telling me how great I looked and he’d left a letter in my mailbox but was having second thoughts and wanted to go get it. Blah blah. My only response – If you have something to say, say it to my fucking face. Of course he comes over and does. I stand strong. No crying. Tell him I’ve already read the letter… He says – We were already done tho. Right? Ummmm, yeah, obviously. Remember we wouldn’t have anymore Saturdays together you said? He’s sorry about that. Okay. Cool buddy. What else?

He’s done and I declare I’m going home… I get in my car and have a text – Not gonna lie. Watching you walk out that door made my heart sink. I hope this moment doesn’t play over in my head for the rest of my life.

Dude. Fuck. You. You threw us away. You quit trying. You gave up 3 years of unconditional love to have fun. Fuck. You.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t sad. I hold it together well. But alone. Alone it hurts. This was the man that once wanted to plan forever with me. We should have a beautiful daughter right now. I don’t want to be with the him he’s become. Yet, I want the him I’d dreamt up in my head. The him I’d planned a future with.

That letter hit hard. It was brutal. Raw. Mean honestly. It was unnecessary. Childish. Rude. I’ve let it get in my head and really fuck with me.

I deserve so much better than him. I just wish I could forget he ever existed. I seriously can’t believe he left such a childish letter. Ughhhh.

So I need to move on. I need to find the happiness within myself. I need to quit relying on someone else to give me happiness. I just hate being alone really. The silence is deafening.

And this is why I latched on so hard to Cody I think. I already liked him. But that letter sent me over the edge to clingy and needy. Wanting someone to make it feel okay. Wanting someone to distract me from the pain I was feeling. I definitely went to 100 far too fast and likely pushed him away some. Hell, I’d be running if I was him. I’m a little much sometimes.

So, I’m working on just processing this and getting my anxiety back to baseline. Without the need for Cody or anyone to make me feel better. I have to make myself feel better.

Cody’s silence has also been deafening. It was like adding insult to injury after that messed up letter. I was talking to my coworker and gave her the details without a name. Asking if I should just quit or if I should call him out on the silence. She told me ghosting is unacceptable and I deserved a response and encouraged me to reach out and simply ask what the fuck. Against my better judgment I did.

I simply asked him to answer honestly – Did I do something wrong? I know he’s busy but I don’t understand the silence. Is that his way of pushing me away and changing his mind? Does he want me to go away? Is there something else to it? And then ended with – just tell me the truth, I’m willing to go away but I’m not okay with being ghosted.

He replied quickly. “I’m really sorry. I’ve just been really busy with everyone going on.” His mom did just die. I’m assuming he had to make arrangements. She’s got an apartment to clear out. So yeah, I believe he’s busy. I gave him a clear exit and he didn’t take it. He could have easily said I’m not ready or can’t entertain a relationship right now. But he didn’t. So maybe he does still like me? I hate the breadcrumbs. I wish he was more open and sharing and not shutting down.

I’ve decided I’m just going to back off. Less texts. Less desperation. Maybe give him a few days. It’ll be hard for me but I can do it. I’d really like for him to text me first. Badly. Most of all I’d like a real conversation on this whatevership and to know what he’s thinking. At least he replied tho. That puts me a little at ease.

Still anxious tho. Anyways, I’ve recognized this is why I’m grasping on to Cody so much. Why my anxiety is out of control. At least I can see it. Now to work on it.