Weekend Adventures

The weekend was actually pretty nice. It would have been better if I didn’t have to work. However, that was fine too.

I made it in fairly on time. Pretty steady flow of people but not too bad. Mostly decent customers. As I expected Cody worked. He showed up early and all in a hurry. Got a few words out of him. Watched him refill his drink a few times. Then boom he was out – why? He was just helping out and wasn’t working the whole shift. Says he needs money and hours then does that? Then my daughter tells me he randomly quit his second job with zero notice that night. Seriously? More answers. I can’t decide if I feel pity or anger for him. Addiction is a shitty thing but god damn he was doing so f’ing good. As my therapist says, I can’t save them all and I don’t need anymore projects. He’s 100% a project.

After work I got ready and headed on the 2 1/2 hour drive to go see Tom. I chose to go there as he said either way worked but I had a dog sitter and felt bad if he’d leave his kids for the weekend as he leaves them enough for work.

Got there Saturday night and felt slightly nervous. Okay, really nervous. Dating is NOT for my anxious self. At all. Everything went great. We visited. He watched the rest of the hockey game. Then he suggested watching Hocus Pocus as I’d never saw it before. He also nicely suggested we could move to the bigger couch and be closer – Snuggled in during the movie. That was nice.

Met his daughter for a minute. I liked the kid. He’d warned me she’s intense. Nah, she’s a teenager with a tough exterior and a lot of childhood trauma stored underneath if you want my opinion.  Deep inside you’ve got a sweet girl going on there. I don’t believe the toughness for a second. Just a girl with wounds from her mother. Boy, can I relate. Maybe that’s why I liked her so much. That was teenage me.

Uneventfully went to sleep Saturday night. He asked what I wanted to do Sunday when we got up. Honestly, I’d planned to just go home Sunday. Made some suggestions and we ended up going to watch the football game at a sports bar for lunch and drinks. He thought he had to work at 5 and ended up not having to until Monday morning. So next up we carved pumpkins. I suggested asking the daughter if she wanted to carve them. He didn’t think she would. Of course she did. I’d only brought two so asked if she wanted to just go with me while her dad finished his game. She jumped right on that and then asked if she could drive as she’s got her permit. Kid did a darn good job driving. Was quite entertaining in Walmart. Randomly thought of her dad mentioning he’d wanted cookies and asked if we could get some to bake while we carved pumpkins. Absolutely. Honestly, she’s sweet inside even if she’d deny that til the end.

Carved pumpkins. Made cookies. Then watched Halloween whatever number which I also hadn’t seen. (I’m like a total virgin when it comes to movies and music.) Son eventually came home and I kind of met him. He was way less interactive but teen boys aren’t the most talkative to begin with I guess. I also wasn’t really sure what to say. I hadn’t been real keen on meeting the kids that fast to begin with. He was the one that assured me they knew about me already and his daughter would be seeking us out if I thought I could get a hotel room. Overall, it was good thought.

I’d totally planned on going home Sunday. When I mentioned that and he ended up not having to work he asked why I didn’t just stay one more night so we could carve the pumpkins and watch another movie. We started on some other movie but stopped as we both had to get up for work in the morning. Went to sleep pretty uneventfully again. Which honestly, was perfect. Just sleeping next to a warm body makes me happy. My sleeping is so codependent it’s not even funny.

I went home this morning to make it to work by 9 am and hit a deer. Seriously. Ugh. Thankfully I wasn’t going fast as I was in a construction zone. So, no airbags but my car still saw better days. I dropped it off at the body shop when I got back to town. I feel like I pay that guys annual mortgage at the rate I wreck cars lately. Deer. Hail. Rock smashed windows. You name it. Bob knows me by name when I walk in. My insurance is going to go tell me to kick rocks sooner than later at this rate. This means I’m back to using my Grandpas car and basically grounded in town. Sad times, but maybe I need to be here I guess. Can’t keep running to escape the loneliness of this house. And yeah, I’m worried I’m smothering and too much – even though it was his idea to stay longer. So, this forces me to chill. I’m just annoyed that I feel trapped without a vehicle that’s roadtrip worthy. Ugh.

That is that. Overall, I still really like him but I also know I really like EVERYONE when I meet them. So I’m taking that with a grain of salt. Well, trying to. He’s super nice. Respectful. The conversation still comes fairly easy. The silence is okay too and not awkward. I feel like he’s texted less today but he started a new job and all that and had already told me he was worried about making good first impressions. I feel like he could have been a little more engaging after work. However, as we all know – I’m too engaging. So it’s likely not even that bad. I’m just… too much. I’m trying not to overthink it. Hard thing for me. I know. It’ll all be fine. Whatever it is. Back to whateverships.

No idea when I’ll see him again. He’s in training all week and they want him to stay at their townhouse the company owns. And well, I don’t have a car for the interstate anyways. Then he’s got wedding stuff Friday, best man Saturday. That gets us to Sunday and I’ll make an educated guess he’s hungover from the wedding Sunday. Monday brings on a new work week. Pretty lame. Looks like it’s going to be awhile. Guess I could back off some and see how much he likes me or if he finds a way to see me. He’d originally asked if I’d be his wedding date but then decided that was probably a shitty idea as he’s in the wedding party and will be at the head table and doing all that while I’d be alone with nobody I’ve ever met before. I don’t know if my anxiety could take it either. So passing on that idea. I’ll just sit back and try to be okay with the – see him when I see him – mantra.

Tomorrow is therapy. Haven’t even talked about last weeks therapy. It was rough, raw, deep. I’d read the “parts book” she’d recommended and then moved on to “Anxious Hearts”. The parts book f’d me up. I tried really hard to pay attention and do the work. In the end, I realized the biggest buried part of me is the small child that was left feeling abandoned. With so many protectors trying to save me from those feelings. The only person that never abandoned me was my grandpa and he’s gone now. Leaving me feeling all those feelings again. It’s hard to admit and talk about. The tears just started falling when she asked what I was feeling when we started talking about this – Abandoned, lost, alone. Sigh. Hard shit. Of course I’m running towards distractions. By the end my therapist asked if I’d lay off the self help books for a bit. That she thinks I got too dysregulated from reading them so fast and the fact they are really digging up some real trauma and feelings. So I’ve been listening to a random book instead.

We will see how therapy goes tomorrow. And we’ll see how this whole whatevership goes for the next week. I KNOW he likes me. I just get in my head and start doubting it and then thinking he’ll just leave or drop me like everyone else always does. Then I get paranoid and talk myself into worst case scenario shit if it’s been a couple hours without a text. It’s awful.

I wish my head had an off switch. So badly.

I also wish I could find it in me to be okay being alone.

Someday.