Upcoming IVF Cycle – alone now. New Foster Possibility.

Somedays are a struggle.  I lied – A lot of days are struggle.  I saw a random quote scrolling Facebook today – “There comes a point where you no longer care if there’s a light at the end of the tunnel or not.  You’re just sick of the tunnel.”  I’m SO sick of this damn tunnel.  Things seem great.  Then they aren’t.

Next week we’ll start our next cycle for an egg retrieval, embryo transfer and then testing whatever is left.  I shouldn’t say we.  Now, I guess I should say I.  I start the cycle.  I will do a transfer.  I will pray I get a take home baby.  Why I?  Because, after all this – M announced yesterday – he doesn’t think being a father is really for him.  He doesn’t think he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.  He doesn’t think he wants to be responsible.  Maybe it wasn’t easy or natural because he doesn’t deserve to be a father.

He’s got the most f’d up thinking I’ve ever found.  He’s literal.  He doesn’t take emotions into account for his choices – It’s literal strategic planning.  It’s bizarre.  He’s got to have some form of autism I’ve decided.  High functioning – Brilliants, but emotionally stunted.  He’d be a great father.  He’s great with all children that come through our house.  He just doesn’t think he deserves it now, he won’t be enough.

No worries – He’s also announced he’ll still be a donor for me.  We’ve came this far, he won’t back out on that.  However, to understand he’ll probably move away before the birth of this child.  He won’t be able to meet him/her and walk away.  So, he knows he should leave beforehand.  I’d say I’m kidding, but I’m not.

With that – I’ve cried, begged God to give me guidance, sobbed, paced, debated – I’m going to continue with the round.  I’m going to do this retrieval.  I’m going to keep him as “the donor”.  I’ve got an LLM already that I do plan to transfer.  If she sticks, I would like my kids to have the same father and similarities.  Ideally, I’d get an embryo from this transfer that would also work.  And ideally, I want two children over the next few years so they have a sibling.  I’ve talked to my therapist who assured me doing it alone is “normal”.  She has other clients doing these procedures completely single.  Women no longer wait for men to have babies.  Men also have babies without a woman.  A random person who’s close to me messaged me and said she had saw I was on the same fertility page and wanted to talk.  She’s doing it alone and my age.  “Single Mama By Choice” really is a thing.

It’s just a struggle – Coming to terms that the dreams I’d built WITH SOMEONE which included two parents, which included M, could just be my dreams.  They could all change.  It could just be me and a small human or two navigating this world.  It’s sad.  Damn, I love that man. This make no sense to me.  Things haven’t even been bad in ages, all the issues have resolved.  Literally.

I just keep telling myself whatever is meant to be will be.  There’s got to be a reason.  Maybe he’ll change his mind.  Maybe he’ll realize this is ridiculous.  He told me he loved me, I’m the most accommodating and caring partner he’s ever had, he’s happy with me, he’s comfortable, he likes our home… But, he just thinks maybe he wants to be free and having some other future.  Not a future with a wife, kids, dogs, white picket fence.  Maybe a future traveling, or living somewhere.  Or maybe he just isn’t meant to be with one person forever.  “you know, not everyone wants a forever with someone, actually most people don’t really want that”.  SERIOUSLY?

So, I guess.  Here we go.  I’m trying to stay strong.  But I’m dying inside.  Breaking.  I am NOT okay.

So, our foster son has been gone not quite two weeks. I was pretty sad after that but recovered after a few days.  It’s what was meant to be.  He’s where he should be.  The goal is reunification.  I’d decided I was taking the summer off – no kids, except maybe some respite or emergencies (meaning like a couple hours while they got them ready to go to wherever).  Yesterday, while my world was blowing up they approached me about a taking a new placement.  Already.  An 11 month old baby with medical complexities and some special needs due to child abuse/shaken baby syndrome.  I’ve struggled with what is right here.  The worker explained she was asking me as they’ve realized I’m amazing with special needs and understand it.  I also have the experience to work with birth families that are a little harder to deal with.  Yes, after all that was shared, I am the perfect fit for him and the things going on.  There is a Grandma that will eventually have custody.  It’s not forever.  Yet, I have so much going on.  I’m sad.  I have all these medical appointments for myself.  The timing is NOT right.  However, maybe the timing is exactly what it is meant to be.  I’m dying.  Children give me purpose.  I foster not only to help them, but because they help me.  They teach me things.  They help me grow.  Right now, my soul needs the unconditional love a baby will give.  It needs hours in the rocking chair, hours working on improving his little life and helping him overcome the barriers that awful adults caused for him.

I did tell them yes, finally, hours later, while I cried and debated if I even want to be on this planet.  She was supposed to staff the move of the child with her supervisors and call me today.  Haven’t heard back.  I’m okay with that.  I’m okay either way.  If he doesn’t come, that’s fine and was for the best too.  If he comes, he’s where he was meant to be.  I’m not going to reach back out, I’m just going to let the chips fall where they may.  I could have a baby tonight.  I could have a baby Sunday. I could have a baby next week.  I could never have a baby.  I have no idea.

All I really know – is I do need to dig deep and find a purpose.  I need to start researching how this single thing will go if I do end up with a baby of my own.  I need to relax.  I need to breathe.  I need to somehow find a peace within myself and that is not that easy.

I just can’t believe he’ll walk away.  No, I’m not fearful that if he isn’t with me he’ll fight me for custody or something crazy.  Not at all.  I 100% believe he’ll accept he is only a donor and leave and not return or demand anything.

It isn’t easy, but it’s all going to be worth it.  There’s a plan for my life.  I just wish someone would let me in on what the ending is.  At what point, I’ll get to the part that is pure happiness and the majority of the let-downs go away.  I’ve most definitely decided – Shall he choose to leave for real I’m done dating – For a long time, maybe forever.  I deserve more than I ever find.  Instead, I’m going to date myself and focus on the love of my child.  Raise him/her.  Never look for a romantic partner.  Just see where life takes me while living fulfilled with a perfect little human. (I still really struggle to accept he’s leaving, I think he’s just scared, but maybe he is, who knows.)

It’s going to be okay.  Even if it doesn’t feel like it today…. And if it’s never okay, it’s still okay, as I have a plan for that too.