Transfer Failed. FET Next. Life’s Lonely.

The title says it all.

Fresh Transfer failed.  Do I regret doing it and not waiting for frozen?  Not really.  I feel like if these embryos were ready to succeed they’d of succeeded fresh or frozen.  I did the research.  I know my numbers were okay.  Sometimes I begin to doubt myself, but I KNOW from the research it was good.  There are always going to be the “what ifs” in this process.

3 more embryos.  Gone.  Just like that.  This is why I wasn’t scared of twins or triplets.  I knew the chance of success was low.  I knew I’d be lucky to have one baby.  It’s crazy to mourn something that never fully existed.  To me, my “clump of cells” were really people.  They were humans.  I had hopes, dreams, ideas for each of them.  I pictured what they would look like.  So yeah, to some I just have another clump of cells that didn’t work.  To me though, I lost what could have potentially been 3 children.  *sigh*  It isn’t fair.

Next up… Frozen Transfer.  I’m just waiting for CD 1 to get baselines scheduled.  I debated hardcore between skipping a cycle or jumping right in.  In the end, there is no clear answer.  Some succeed right away, some don’t.  It’s just a game of if my body wants to participate.  I finally decided to jump right in as I’m prepared to cancel if ANYTHING isn’t perfect.  Literally – one slightly off level, lining slightly off, anything and I’m out.  I’m not wasting these final 3 (questionable) embryos.  So, I figured I should just begin to give myself more cycles if I do have to cancel.  The price of my FET’s goes up in November by a lot.  So, I do need all the cycles available between now and then to use the final 3 embryos I have.

This time… I’m going to transfer my LLM Female (Annabelle) and my Complex Abnormal Male.  Originally, I was just going to transfer Annabelle.  (This name will so change if she sticks around – probably – Ha.  But that’s what I named her way back when I knew she existed, so that’s what she’s called.)  If she failed I was going to transfer the two males together.  I’ve changed my mind.  I cannot transfer the two males together.  I do NOT believe the Complex Abnormal will implant and stick around, but I’m not okay with discarding him without a chance.  Some do self correct.  Some are incorrect results.  I realized though – If I transferred both males together and one stuck – I wouldn’t know which one.  Both males have different issues that need to be monitored differently.  Should this one implant I need to pay attention to a lot of baby’s characteristics, do genetic testing as available, etc. to determine if he’s affected by possible issues.  Should the other male implant – I need to watch closely for a Molar Pregnancy and should that not occur I feel confident he’s healthy and wouldn’t go beyond that.  At least transferring a male and female – the moment we know the gender we’ll know what we’re watching for.

I do feel Annabelle has a chance.  I’ve researched risks of transferring an embryo that may not make it with one that may.  Overall, in this case, it’ll be okay.  Boy Embryo would be absorbed or would miscarry.  Annabelle should be fine.  I just don’t expect him to implant though.  There’s always a risk of course – but it’s low.  I have faith if she’s meant to work she’ll work.  My biggest fear is my body will not be receptive and will not give her the ability to implant.

My body – my biggest freaking enemy.  Should she not work, I’m transferring my Male Polyploid last because A. I don’t believe he’s a polyploid and B. If I have a molar pregnancy I’m just getting a hysterotomy and closing this awful chapter.  So basically, I’m tempting fate and using this as my guide on if I should be done or not.  (But really, I feel he’s a healthy, normal embryo and Polyploid was inaccurate results after all my research.)

So, the moral of the story – I’m sad.  I’m over it.  This sucks.  Just waiting to bleed to death to break my heart a little more.  Though, I pray so much for my sweet female embryo.  She’s a fighter.  She deserves a chance in this world.

I’m so sad and so lonely when it comes to people.

It’s been two years since I filed for divorce.  The number of people I’ve lost in that time is amazing.  Many were never my friends.  Some I just quit sharing the same values/hobbies with.  Some just faded away.  Of course, some he “got” in the divorce (those weren’t really my friends).  Many my “mom” took.  It’s partially me – I don’t really want to hang out with many people.  Yet, it’s still just frustrating.

I used to love the 4th of July.  One of my favorite holidays.  I spent far too much money on fireworks.  Spent far too much money throwing fabulous barbecues.  Having a great time.

This year… I spent it alone basically.  Max was there but he wasn’t much fun or really mentally present.  Just physically.  He didn’t want to do much.  He didn’t know anyone to invite over.  Nothing.

Where in the hell did all my friends go?  How in the hell did I lose literally everyone?  That’s sure as hell how it currently feels.

My family – Well, they’re garbage.  It’s now been 11 months since I went Low to No Contact with my mom.  Lately, it’s more “low” contact than “no” contact.  As I can be civil for the sake of gatherings, etc.  However, she’s punishing me for having boundaries.  So, she goes out of her way to not invite me to anything.  To exclude me.  Taking the adult children to dinner on days I can’t go with or not even mentioning it to me.  Then when I ask their plans – Oh, she already did it.  Or giving them money to choose her.  I’d say I’m kidding, but I’m not.  Yeah, at 19 I’d probably pick the person that gave me $2K too.  I don’t even know how she has that much money.  Like super confused.  Whatever though.

Not talking to her means I don’t get invites from family friends.  The last few 4th of Julys I’ve spent with a great family friend and their whole family.  Like she was more of a mom to me at one point than my own.  Nobody called or texted yesterday to invite me.  I’d bet you it was one of those – “I told your mom to tell you, I thought she’d let you know”.  Yeah, thanks.  I could have reached out myself.  I know this.  I’m tired of reaching out though.  I’m tired of being the bigger person.  I shouldn’t have to invite myself.  I always think – if people really wanted me there, they’d call.

Adult kids all did their own thing.  Understandable.  Alex (19) has chosen his dad this year (again) because he is funding the vacation of the summer.  Lake. Sublime Concert. Parties.  Of course, he chooses that.  I’m okay with it.  I get it.  Zak (21) wanted to make poor choices.  J (23) couldn’t get time off to make it worth it.  I get this.  It’s sad.  I miss the days of younger kids, but I get it.

This leaves me with just my “own” friends….  Where the hell have they went?

I don’t see Stacy much these days.  If she invites me to have a beer I go sometimes.  Overall though, our lives are different.  I’m not big into being a drunk or hanging out at the bar 24/7.  She is.  There she has found her fellow drunk friends – the functioning alcoholics of the world that manage to hold jobs but drink daily.  They like to drink/float the river.  Which is great, to each their own… I don’t get invited as I’m not a drunk.  So, it is what it is I guess.

Joy…. She kinda got busy working.  Not a big deal.  However, anytime we talked she wanted to talk about her relationship issues.  Which include sleeping with a married man and another man (his best friend).  Ummmmm, when you tell me you’re the “other woman” – I kind of check out.  I’ve been the wife.  It’s a pretty crappy place to be.  Nobody should do that to another human.  It isn’t okay.  It’s never okay.  Especially knowingly.  Thus, I sort of took a step back.  She was never inviting me to anything of substance anyways – it was just beer and listening to her complain about men.  Frustrating.

My old boss…. She gave up the restaurant and ditched me.  This definitely freaking hurt the most.  I don’t understand.  I’ll never understand.  She had like adopted me.  I spent the last holidays with them.  Yet, she’s no longer my boss and I no longer get invites.  This hurts.  I guess she was only like my friend/family because she needed me to feel obligated to always say yes to shifts.

My best friend from middle school – I don’t really know what’s going on there.  It’s strange.  She used to be the friend I’d tell anything to.  Sometimes we wouldn’t talk for a few months, but it was always the kind of friendship that was like no time passed when we were together.  We’ve definitely been drifting apart over the last two years.  She too got divorced and she too decided she wanted to be with a man that lived with his long-term girlfriend.  I took a step back during that.  I couldn’t handle the calls complaining that he was choosing his girlfriend over you.  (Ladies – when you take someone else’s man – he isn’t yours.  You don’t get to be mad that he’s ditching you.)  I saw her and met him while I was in Colorado in November.  He was nice enough, his girlfriend had moved out, I had moved on.  I can accept it, I don’t say a word, it’s their choice.  It was just tough to be supportive in the beginning.  We started talking less/less.  I told her I’d be in Colorado last month and she told me she definitely wanted to see me.  Then she basically ghosted me while I was there.  She asked me once how it was going the day of my procedure.  I reached out after that and mentioned I was driving into Denver if she wanted to meet up – nothing.  I’d mentioned she could accompany me to transfer if she could get off work – nothing.  (When in the past she’d told me how she’d love to be there if she was allowed to be.) Reached out that I was staying an extra day – nothing.  Literally, I heard from her when I went home with just a text of “how are you feeling”.  I don’t really know.  I guess we’re growing in different directions – I want to settle down, have babies and a family.  I don’t want to party like crazy, I’m quite happy with the family life and I REALLY miss it.  She wants to live a wild/crazy free life like she’s 21 with her new man.  That’s fine.  We can be in different places.  I guess though, when you quit taking time for each other the friendship has kind of died.  I’m just going to let it be for now.  I don’t even think I’m telling her I’m going to Colorado this month for another transfer.  We’ll just see if she reaches out between now and then.  I can’t be the only one trying here.

I have a lot of acquaintances.  None that feel deep though.  None that reach out to do things or see how I am.  Sometimes I reach out to check on people.  I’m really at that phase though – I can’t always be giving more than I get.  I’m over it.

My therapist says that when you enforce boundaries it makes others uncomfortable and you do lose a lot of people that were never genuine.  I guess that’s the phase I’m in.

I still have Tessa.  I’ll always have Tessa.  She’s just been busy and has some major sad things going on in life.  We talk, but we don’t have a lot of time to just meet up.  I should just be thankful I have a ride or die friend.  Some people never get to have this kind of genuine friendship and that’s sad.  My one friend in the whole world, is better than a million crappy friends.

Somehow – I need to make some more real friends I guess.  It’s just hard.  Everyone seems to be in different places – busy raising kids or busy being drunks.   I don’t get invited to the kid events – because I don’t have kids.  I don’t get invited to the drunk events – because I don’t like being a drunk.  So, here I am.  Lonely.