Too many feelings.

I’m exhausted.  Imagine that.

The nightmares continued last week.  I don’t understand,  yet I understand.  I wish I had control over triggers and life and could just feel like a functioning human some days.  Sometimes I wonder… if he died… would it end?  Would the nightmares end?  Would the fear end?  Would I breathe better?  I don’t wish death on anymore.  I wished my first husband would die, I’d sob, I’d beg it to end, I’d wish him the worst… Then he died and I was filled with guilt, sadness, sorrow.  As much as I hated what he put me threw, there was a part of me that always loved what he could have been.  If mental illness and alcoholism wouldn’t have ruined him so.  I’ll never wish anyone dead again.  Not really.  As I know too well how it hurts when it happens.  Yet, I can’t help but wonder if that would let me be free?  How can this guy entertain so many of my dreams?  Why is he always there.  It’s frustrating.

Needless to say, the endless dreaming, hypervigilance and anxiety just makes me a grouchy person.  And I KNOW I need to focus on my mental health and well-being.  I know I have to mentally be on my A-game if we’re following through with infertility treatments.  So, I need to figure out how to make this work and start those steps.  I also know, part of my miserable thinking is this stupid clomid still.  Like, I’m a anxious, angry, burst into tears at any moment kind of person today.

After work I’m going to go take a hot shower, clean my room, make my bed and lay in it.  Deep breathe.  Refresh myself.  I need to go to the store too, but I so don’t want to.  Maybe tomorrow?

My co-worker is back with her son and asked to stay until she found a place, with the plan she would by 9/25.  I have a huge house, of course I said yes.  Today she asked if she could just pay me rent and stay.  At first I thought, no big deal.  But as I’ve thought about this – No, negative.  I can’t handle people in my space.  I need breaks, silence.  Someone else’s 2 year old doesn’t give me silence.  Sadly, I fear there is a huge chance she’ll end up with a CPS removal if she goes away and I’d still end up with a 2 year old (as of course I’d take him vs putting him with strangers).  So, it’s frustrating.  I need to calmly and nicely explain to her that rent to me, long-term, isn’t an option.  And she needs to suck it up and take whatever rental she finds, even if it’s not perfect.  I just want the best for her and her kid.  And would never not be supportive.  I know too well what it’s like to have nobody.  It just sucks that now is not that time for my mental health to have extra people and issues.

I’ve decided I’ll still wait until 9/25 – Then see what my doctor decides on 9/27… If we’re going to have to do a priming protocol or something, then it’s less of a deal if we have extra people.  If for some reason we’re able to immediately begin stims and all that on the next cycle – No, I don’t think I can have extra people.  I’m already f’ing crazy enough.  Just 15 more days and we’ll have answers here.

Still don’t have all my labs back or pathology from the biopsy.  Looks like tomorrow I’ll get the biopsy results released on the portal.  I’m assuming they aren’t awful if my doctor didn’t call to tell me today.  Hopefully the last of the labs are tomorrow too.  Who knows.  Hurry up and wait.  Yet again.