Tired. So tired.

Tired. So ridiculously tired.

Sleep is an illusive fantasy. At least good sleep. It doesn’t currently exist. I fall asleep only to be awoke repeatedly – restless sleep, nightmares, dreams. Repeat. It’s been a week or so now. I thought it was maybe just the different bed while we were out of town. Not true. It’s not better home either.

I’m tired of the dreams, life, everything. My daughter said last night – Why isn’t it getting better? I thought you’d be better once you were divorced. Me too. Me too. It doesn’t work like that though. A signature on a piece of paper apparently isn’t a magical cure for C-PTSD it seems. Who would have thought? My therapist had already told me things were going to get worse before they felt better.

That it can take the body the entire first year to begin to adapt and as it does the memories will surface, the anxiety, the misery. That “To feel good, you’re going to have to feel the bad too”. I know. It sucks. But ripping off the bandaid and feeling awful is a step towards feeling good. Someday. I’ll take that. I’ll stumble through. I’ll do whatever for that pot at the end of the rainbow. Whatever.

Vacation was too much for me. I know it sounds insane to any random person. But it was just too much. It was nice, yet exhausting. Overstimulating. Rough. Like I’ll be regrouping forever from it.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I don’t want to do anything. I’m tired. I’m busy. I’m never home. All I want – To be alone and home for weeks. That’s it. Simple? Of course it can’t be simple.

My mom has to push and push. All morning messages on my work messenger with days for dinner. No. No. No. No thank you. I just don’t want to spend any part of my birthday with her. She’s exhausting to me. I should feel bad. I slightly do. Yet, I know it’s not in my best interest. I also know she really wants dinner with me so she can post on Facebook. It makes her crazy she can’t brag about what she does for me because I do it alone. I just can’t force myself to comply knowing her deep rooted motives. A year ago I told her when she went to therapy we’d talk. She’s never went. Nothing has ever changed. She will always be her. And sadly I feel zero connection to that. Zero bond. No feelings of missing her. Nothing. So, she’s pushed and pushed. I nicely told her I worked literally Monday – Friday 8-5. Wednesday & Thursday 5 – Close. Saturday 8-3 at the restaurant and then 6:00 – 3:00 am at the bar. I have coaching I do for a shooting program I’m now running alone Sunday & Tuesday nights. On top of it my daughter wants me to babysit next weekend. Literally, I have NO time. Friday & Monday are my only nights home and damn it I want to just be home. Simple. Right? No. She finally sent a sad face. I quit responding. She started this by never caring about my birthday. You don’t get to ignore me for 75% of my birthdays and then care when social media exists. Damage done. Doesn’t work like that.

I nicely explained I’m exhausted & want to just stay home. Honestly, if she truly cared she’d just have some pizza delivered to my house or offer to make something homemade. (Ha. Jokes on me. She doesn’t cook. Ever. And eats out every single day.) She doesn’t get it. Doesn’t understand. So I’ll stick with no’s and she can stick with “nobody cares” posts.

On that note – I’m absolutely doing nothing Friday night and I’m so damn excited. Clean. Eat some cereal. Watch tv. Maybe finally start my puzzle. Go to bed early. Sounds heavenly. Doesn’t it? I think so. My soul literally NEEDS this. I NEED the downtime. Badly.

I happened across a post on Facebook today – “I like being alone. I have control over my own shit. Therefore, in order to win me over, your presence has to feel better than my solitude. You’re not competing with another person, you are competing with my comfort zones.” Sooooo true. I’ve done great on creating boundaries. And honestly if I don’t feel peace with someone/somewhere I’m happier alone.

So, off to work nonstop for the week and continuing working on my boundaries. I’ve got this. I really do. My mind just needs to catch up and also start getting this.