This and That… IVF Updates and Fostering Rambles.

What a whirlwind the last few weeks have been.

Final verdict on the IVF Transfer – Negative.  I knew it was negative before I took it.  I also didn’t know it would hurt so damn much.  Being used to negatives is one thing.  Knowing you transferred a good looking embryo and it didn’t implant is a whole different world of negatives.

We eventually got the results back of the genetic testing of the 3 remaining embryos.  Not great.  At all.  One was a Low Level Mosaic… She – yes SHE – could potentially be born with Trisomy 9.  I’ve researched.  I’ve met with genetic counselors.  It’s “rare” if she truly has Trisomy 9 she will be born at all.  She would likely not implant or would miscarry between 8 – 12 weeks.  It’s “possible” she could be born with Trisomy 9 – they have to say it’s possible.  However, they’re seeing great outcomes with LLM Embryos.  They’re seeing lots of healthy, perfect babies.  They’re recommending to give them a chance.  Chances are they self correct or were never truly affected at all.  She has a 40% chance of being born a healthy, perfect baby girl.  Nearly the same chance as a perfectly “normal” embryo.  After researching, debating, thinking – We’re transferring her someday.  She is being given a chance at life.  If she implants we’ll do an amnio at 16 weeks to ease our minds or to know what to expect.  She’s the embryo that matured last, yet caught up with the rest.  Despite being last to fertilize (and fertilize late at that) she made it to blast before the other two.  She’s a fighter and she’s got a purpose.  I’ve named her Annabelle – Yep, I named my clump of cells… Manifest and it will come, right?  And well, she deserved a name.  She deserves a chance at life.  She’s going to be freaking fabulous.

The other two embryos – Sadly, they each have severe issues.  The first one has a lot of missing parts of DNA and a full X mutation meaning he could be born with Turner’s Syndrome if he can overcome the other DNA issues.  They recommended to deprioritize him and to not consider transferring him.  The third embryo was a polyploid.  This means he’s got an entire extra set of chromosomes.  It means he likely wouldn’t survive.  If we became pregnant he’d die quickly after birth or be still born.  It means he could cause a molar pregnancy which can result in uterine cancer.  They recommended to NEVER transfer him.  That it isn’t safe to him or myself.

So, we really were left with ONE option and she isn’t a perfect option.  (I can’t stress enough – she’s perfect to me.)  After debates, lots of tears – We’ll do another retrieval.  We’re waiting though.  I want to prime for 90 days.  This essential means – shots and meds that assist egg quality, eating healthy, healthy life style changes.  I’m thinking by the end of March or April we’ll be ready for another retrieval.  Hopefully this one gets us a few more options or we’ll just follow it up with another retrieval.  I said in the beginning I’d be willing to do 3.  If 3 doesn’t get us anywhere we’ll go from there.  (Well, then I’ll transfer Annabelle quite honestly.)  We’d like a few options incase transfers fail and because ideally we could have two children.  So, for now – the process is – Daily shots, daily meds, good food and wait.

Fostering –

We’ve still got little dude.  It’s also been crazy.  I’m not longer doing the visits for him.  Can’t do them.  Won’t do them.  If I continued them I’d end up in jail as his parents (specifically his father) does not respect boundaries, rules or providing what is best for his son.  He just wanted to sneak him crackers, turn on movies, give him the tablet, sit there.  Every time I’d catch him with one of these I’d get “I have no idea where he found crackers.” “He just got on the tablet, I have no idea where it came from.”  Lies, lies, lies.  I eliminated the crackers from my house.  He was sneaking them in.  He was sneaking the tablet off the upstairs counter for him.  He somehow, someway needs to learn parenting skills.  So, I gave up the visits and CPS or a contract provider is going them.

They’re rough.  M doesn’t understand.  He’s just angry.  Angry he goes, angry he returns.  Angry.  I’m hoping he’ll get used to it.  He was thrilled when we got home last night.  He’s literally settled right in and seems to be in love with his “home” and us.  Grandma has started the paperwork to get the out of state license ready she can receive him if he doesn’t return to his parents.  It’ll take about 90 days to be done.  Then we’ll see if his parents are on track or if he’s moving into grandma’s house.  She has said she’ll happily take him and is excited for it.  However, she often makes comments about how happy he is with us, how she wants what best for him and how amazing we are with him.  I feel like she hints she’d be okay with him staying forever and her having the grandma role.  Sadly, it isn’t really an option even if I’m willing to be a permanent option.  Family gets first chance.  If she would try to give him to us, they could offer him to other family and I have no doubts that other family would say yes.  So, he needs to go with the only family member he knows in his extended family.

I’ve realized something – I REALLY like him.  I’ve said from day one I know it’s temporary, I understand the goal of foster care is to reunify with parents and then biological family.  I’ve been fine with that, I’m still fine with that.  Yesterday, Max said something about how at this rate CPS will file again to extend in 6 months.  My response was “I know”. And he pointed out that’s the first time I’ve just agreed and not said he’ll be with family by then so it doesn’t matter.  Ummm,  yeah, I think I’m starting to really like him?  He laughs and says, no, you were fully in love a month ago and just didn’t realize it.  So, yeah, I’m in love with a 3 year old.  Deeply, madly, in love.  He’s pretty special.  Will I be sad when he goes?  Oh yes.  BUT, I’ll be okay.  There are a lot more kids out there that can use my love temporarily too.  If I chose to continue my short-term love affairs with children who need them.

We’ve got his hearing down that he literally can’t here.  We see the audiologist again Monday to do some more tests and further discuss hearing aids.  In the meantime he’s been diagnosed with a second ear infection in 2 months.  So, the new assumption is the hearing loss is definitely from repeated ear infections.  So “maybe” tubes would fix it.  We’ve got that intake appointment in January.  More hurry up and wait.  I cannot wait until he can hear.  It’s sooooo exciting.  It’ll be a whole new world for him.  I’m really hoping we get this addressed and solved prior to him returning home.  I’m well aware they won’t follow-up sufficiently or do another for his disabilities and medical needs.  That’s why we’re even in this situation.