Therapy Today

Made it to therapy this morning. It’s healthy. It’s good. Yet, it’s so hard.

We went over the events of the last couple weeks. Obviously, there was a lot. She agrees that I need boundaries, to not just let him do what he wants and is thankful the attorneys are forcing this to be done. Went over the incident with his family coming to eat. She called it psychological warfare and explained she was sure it was calculated and planned. A way for them to remind me they feel they have the power. It did all make sense. Processing it out loud seems to bring clarity.

She then explains that I’m not telling him no and just agreeing with his screaming because I classically have Battered Woman Syndrome. I simple stared at her. This type of “rolling over” is called the Fawn Phase. Ironically, I’d just read about that yesterday. She validates that the label doesn’t feel good but it’s important I acknowledge the trauma and realized I’m resilient and not to own what he did, but to own what I’m doing to escape this life.

I hate the labels. I truly do. Do I believe it’s accurate? Yeah, probably. Definitely. He really messed my head up. I was going to type I let him do this. Yet, I know I didn’t just let it happen, but it happened because he was evil, he manipulated me into being so low it happened, when I was to broken to fix it. Labels make like more real. I live in a world of avoidance. Working hard to be too busy to accept my issues. She questions if I’m ready to find a different outlet other than work and running until I’m exhausted? No? Silence. Okay, maybe? She agreed maybe was a better answer as my body needs that to heal and work forward.

She then asked if I was open to writing my trauma story? No? This will help EMDR to be more successful to address the early trauma and file it away. Stating that my mental health and choices likely began long before I met him, with a deeper childhood root and I need to go to the bottom and address it to move forward.

This moved us into my childhood for awhile. No, it wasn’t great. Mother arrested for drugs. Left living with my psychotically religious grandmother until she kicked me out at 14 because her Church Elders told her to as I wasn’t following the rules well enough. Returning to my mom’s, drinking, until I moved out at 17. She asked more questions about the church…

It’s more like a cult. Follow their beliefs or else. Do what they say. If you mess up your disfellowshipped to be shunned by your family and friends. Don’t question what the governing body tells you. Knock on doors. Pray for the end of the world to fix us all and kill the evil and worldly. This list goes on and on.

She then says it makes sense. Huh?! You grew up in a household and religion that expected full compliance, none of your own beliefs, simply do what they want to avoid consequences. Yeah, basically. Thus, the idea of compliance and doing what is demanded of me was rooted in my brain from probably infancy. If they wanted it done, I was to do it. I knew this. Even upon leaving that thought pattern continued, deeply engrained and changing how my brain would react to demands and even abuse. So, when I found the narcissist and he began his demands my brain accepted it as normal and my thought process wasn’t capable of trying to say no as that’s all I’ve known.

Super thought provoking and interesting. True. So true. I’ve always just pleased people close to me while lashing out at society or shutting down entirely. Every relationship has been about compliance. I’m not sure if I’ve ever not complied. Max told me last night – you never tell me no. He’s honestly gave me no reason to tell him no. Ever. Yet. But he’s right, I easily comply with any idea he has. (Thankfully his ideas are healthy and nothing awful or I’d be back at square one.) Obviously, this is something I need to work on and really evaluate if I want to say yes or no to things in all of life.

In the end, I did agree I’d do the “trauma story”. It doesn’t have to be a real story but could be bullet points or whatever. Work on it in small chunks. With safe time and time to process as I go. We will then process together and use it in EMDR but will also begin CBT.

SIGH. It will be hard. I know this. I see it daily in my own job. But taking the time and work will make my overall life so much better. I refuse to always be the victim. I’m standing up and doing me. Absolutely. I’m scared, it’s rough but I’m ready. So ready to live a normal life. We will see how this trauma story goes. Whenever I begin.

My past will not define me or my future. But instead will make me stronger and provide me with the foundation to achieve anything.