The exhaustion is real!

Overall, I thought I was doing fairly well with pregnancy symptoms.  Pretty nauseous/puking, but that was about it.

Until this week – Holy.  The exhaustion is 100% real.  This week I’ve just wanted to cry because I’m so freaking tired.

I’ve worked 50 – 60+ hours per week for over 2 years now.  With no real issues.  Sometimes I was tired but it wasn’t THAT bad.  Some weeks I picked up even more shifts.  Hell, some weeks between my normal job, waitressing AND bartending I was probably working close to 80 hours.  And I was fine.

This week – this week I can barely function I’m so freaking tired.  It’s ridiculous.  I had last weekend off and this weekend off.  So, I’ve literally only had to do 50 hours this week and last.  Yet, I feel like I worked 100.  I can barely get out of bed in the morning.  I need a nap every day at lunch.  I drag ass while waiting tables.  It’s brutal.  They say the fatigue gets better in the 2nd trimester.  I sure hope so.  My house is going to be a freaking disaster at this rate as I don’t even care to clean, I go home, shower, and melt into bed.

Max has asked if I should REALLY be working this much.  My doctor doesn’t seem to have an issue with it.  He’s aware of my work schedule and what I do for a living.  He’s advised to “listen to my body” and take breaks as needed.  Which I do.  Crawling into bed and sleeping nonstop for the next 30 weeks isn’t really an option.  He then asked if I’d stop if he gave me more money – Ummm, no?  I am NOT a live paycheck to paycheck kind of person.  It kills me.  I’d be laying in bed with nonstop anxiety.

I WANT to work BOTH jobs this entire pregnancy.  Lately I’m questioning if I’ll make it 30 more weeks.  How will waiting tables be when I’m truly hugely pregnant? However, ideally I wouldn’t need to return to waiting tables when the baby is born for a LONG time, if ever.  The ONLY way to accomplish that is to work like a crazy person as much as I can, stock up on things, buy things, save money and be prepared.  I don’t just want him to give me money – He can give me money to make up for my wages and I’ll still work.  Double savings.  Ha.  I can do it.  I’ve done worse.  It’ll be fine.

The nausea is also awful this week.  It’s been awful – but it’s REALLY awful.  I get food I think I want and the moment it’s in my hands I decide I can’t even handle looking at it.  So, I’m basically just snacking on small random things as I can.  Spending money on food I think I need and then giving it away.  I’m fine being sick – it makes me believe my numbers are finally rising right and baby is doing good.  So, I’ll take it.  It’s just frustrating on my ability to eat.

I received a few calls from CPS yesterday.  I jinxed myself thinking that it was odd nobody had called for a placement in a couple weeks.  It’s generally frequent if my house is empty.  The first few calls were on the same family and a desperate emergency placement – 1 year old and 4 year old.  The children were already in their office and they needed somewhere for them to go.  Issue was they had no daycare and had never been in daycare.  Finding one locally is often impossible.  Especially considering these two would need an infant spot.  The next issue – I’m freaking exhausted.  The thought of keeping up with those ages was exhausting just thinking about it.  I also want to make a bunch of changes to the house before I take any more than one child that is going to be longer than a few days.  I politely declined but agreed I’d take them if they couldn’t find a long-term foster as an emergency.  (Knowing that once I get them, I always want to just keep them.)  Thankfully they found a stay at home mom a town over that was willing to take them so daycare won’t be an issue.

Later the worker found me to mention she wanted to go over another child at some point when I have time.  A 12 or 13 year old boy that is currently in a group home and is going to need a step down home.  She “thinks” he’d just be perfect with our family as he likes to tinker and take things apart and know how things are made and Max is super into teaching that kind of stuff and learning the same.  Lately she “thinks” everyone would be perfect for us.  I’m beginning to feel like it’s a story line to suck me.  I thought about this one for a few hours last night and I don’t think I’m even entertaining the idea – I worked at CPS when this one was removed nearly 5 years ago.  I know a decent amount about the behaviors he came into care with and they were pretty severe.  He’s basically been in a group home those entire 5 years which is heart breaking.  When asked if he’d improved she simply said “he’s been doing a little better”.  I can’t take a “doing a little better” into my home with there will be a new baby, there are 4 dogs and eventually I’d be happy to have more foster kids also.  My local office has no idea we’re currently pregnant and I have a feeling we get some of the harder kids because there aren’t other kids in the home.  So, a baby is a game changer.  I also know his parent’s rights are terminated and both of his brother have been adopted already – Thus, they need a permanency home and eventual adoption for him too.  I’ve been honest from the start – I didn’t get into fostering to adopt.  Would I adopt the right fit/child?  Absolutely.  BUT it would have to be a super good fit for both the child and our family.  They really need to find him a home to step into that wants to adopt him from the beginning.  It’s not fair to bounce him around.  She also mentioned the person that works at Wendy’s Kids came and got his info to get him listed – This is a giant red flag as they generally help with the kids that are the hardest to place/adopt.  I’m well aware this means he’s got some pretty rough diagnoses and behaviors.  So, with all that – I can’t do it at this point.

I wish I could simply say yes to ALL of them.  If I didn’t need a job, could hire help, had more resources/interventions available in this rural place and a mansion – I’d take them all.  Currently, I just know what I can handle and the above isn’t it.

I have no doubts we’ll have kids again sooner than later.  However, I’m going to keep working on my “saying no” skills when appropriate.  Honestly, I really liked E while we had her…. Angry teenage girls with an attitude but no violent behaviors I think are my preferred group of children.  They remind me of me and that makes it far easier to handle them.