So hard – More details – Can’t function.

Some nights hurt so bad I was to claw my body apart. I want to take out my heart. Take out any organ that produces emotion. I want to simply die. Be done. I just want the pain to stop. I know it’s a panic attack. I know if I keep breathing it’ll get better. But right now. Right now I want to run. So far. I hurt. So bad. A pain I can’t express. A pain I can’t wish upon my worst enemies. So painful. It’s awful. Why? How can another human hurt someone to this extent? Why? How? I don’t understand.

I’m working on a fundraiser. A way to bring awareness to domestic violence. To Kira. She didn’t die for nothing. She deserves a voice. Her parents gave their blessing. Her mom was trying to think of a name. This was from her mom today … “From Kathie:
Kiro-The-Hero (that is what her grade School friends called her. What do you think of that? Or Kira-our-Hero. If neither sets right with you that’s ok. She fought hard to get away from him. The door video showed her bounding out the door with her screaming and trying to run away….the last scene was him grabbing ahold of her hair and arm and yanking her back into the apt.”

I can’t breathe. I can’t function. I just kept seeing my beautiful friend on repeat trying to leave. Trying to save herself. I see him on repeat. Pulling her in. Pulling the trigger. She wasn’t his to take. To steal. To kill.

Any healing I had done blew apart in that moment. The moment I read that. It wasn’t peaceful. It wasn’t quiet. He drug her back inside and killed her like you would an animal. How dare he. How do her parents sleep at night? I guess the police released the ring doorbell that captured this. They watched it. They saw their baby girl fight to live. Scream to live. Run to live. Yet HE won. He took her. He killed her. He silenced her. He fucking won.

As my life falls apart I feel like he wins again and again. God damn it I hate him. I’d wish him dead but he took that from me. He took everything from me. And I allow him to keep taking. Every god damn day. It isn’t fucking fair. God I HATE you. But you don’t deserve to be hate. You deserve nothing. You deserve to be forgotten.

I just miss her. So much. I’m so sad her final moments we so awful. I’m so sad her life was stolen from her. I’m so sad she was stolen from us. It’s all sad. Heartbreaking. Unfair.

In the end – All I want back is her. Instead I’ll organize  a fundraiser that will make me feel good in the moment. But when it’s all over I’ll still hurt. Just as bad. And this feeling is awful. Miserable. So sad.  I can’t describe the ache in my chest. The tears down my cheeks. The feeling that just won’t stop. It’s awful.

Maybe I should call the counselor tomorrow. This isn’t getting better. Maybe worse.

I just miss her so much – I love you K. I’m so sorry we couldn’t help you. So very sorry. I’d give anything to change how this life has played out.  You were amazing. Sparkling. Incredible. To wonderful to face the end so very early. I want just one more hug. One more see you soon. One more lunch. One more call. Anything really.